Want or Have

by Thea Iberall

I’ve wanted something all my life. To be heard, to feel loved, to have friends, to belong, to have a soulmate. Relationships I got into were good, even good enough. But there was always something missing. In the personality typology, there is a trait related to an energy polarity. It’s not negative or positive, it’s just the reality of one’s personality. Some people want something like I do. That thing can be anything. They might want religion or fame or money. It may be something simple like a good home and family, or something big like healing the planet. Whatever it is, they just don’t feel like they have the thing they want. They want to possess themselves. In reality, they don’t know what it is that they want. And then there are people who have something. Whatever it is, they feel they have it—money, fame, friends. They might feel that they have their careers or their families. But in reality, it’s an energic thing more than actually having something. They possess themselves and are rock solid. They also keep mental records in regard to things they do for others. I know a person like that. She’s counted on her good looks all her life. She is confident in everything she does. She has her family, her friends, her houses. We tried to be in a relationship, and it was a disaster. Even though we were learning spiritual principles together, we fought all the time.


I came to understand that this trait can predict whether a relationship will be stable or discordant. A relationship between two have-somethings will feel like they have kismet, as will two want-somethings. But a relationship between a have-something and a want-something is unstable and it leads to constant discord. The have-something looks down on the want-something. The want-something tries to please the have-something. The psychological games are endless.


In my spiritual journey, I learned this about myself and accepted that I'll always be wanting something. When I started going to Codependents Anonymous meetings, every Saturday morning, I would walk upstairs to the children’s library at Church of St Augustine’s By The Sea in Santa Monica, California. We would sit in these little chairs in a circle surrounded by children’s books. We could be our most vulnerable selves. At the end, we’d pass around a sheet of affirmations. I learned to know them by heart. The last one on the list was, “I am enough.”

I am enough. I remind myself that as often as I can. I have everything I need even though my energic state suggests differently.


But I think I learned a way to extend myself into another energetic state. One can be in a wanting state but one can also be in a being state. Just be. Be like a tree. Big, bold, beautiful. A tree doesn’t have to prove anything, it isn’t half-empty. It isn’t missing anything. It isn’t wanting anything. It doesn’t have anything. It just is. So that now, when I feel that feeling of wanting something, I remind myself to be in acceptance. Be in love. Be in gratitude. Just be.


Blessing for the Longest Night

By Jan Richardson, from The Cure for Sorrow: A Book of Blessings for Times of Grief


All throughout these months

as the shadows

have lengthened,

this blessing has been

gathering itself,

making ready,

preparing for

this night.


It has practiced

walking in the dark,

traveling with

its eyes closed,

feeling its way

by memory

by touch

by the pull of the moon

even as it wanes.


So believe me