By Thea Iberall
In my quest for understanding myself, I came across a workshop on relationships. It was put on by an organization that was using spirituality and psychology to teach people about themselves. I had just had a bitter breakup and I thought the workshop would help me to understand myself instead of me turning myself into a pretzel to be with someone and have my heart broken again. And I learned something about myself.
In the workshop, they said that personality consists of various traits which are neither positive nor negative; they are just the reality of one’s personality. There are 16 of these.
For example, there are two types of people, live alones and live withs. People who are “live alones” prefer not having anyone in their personal space. They get peopled out and must go away to be alone to connect with themselves. If they live with other people and don’t get time alone, they can start arguments with their partners and family members. It’s a way to drive the other people away so that they can get their needed space.
People who are “live withs” are the opposite. They gather their energy by being with other people. They feel happier and more satisfied having others around. They need the external stimulation. If they live alone for an extended period of time, they become lonely and maybe even depressed.
Healing won’t change a live alone into a live with or vice versa. Healing will make your nature more obvious to you and this can give great relief.
I am a live with. I have lived with other people most of my life and I prefer it. I don’t need a big house because I am 99% of the time in the same room as my partner. My sister, on the other hand, is a live alone. So is her spouse, and they have organized their living situation where they have separate working spaces. They are together in the same room for some activities, like meals and sleeping, but in general, they avoid the external stimulation. They get sustenance from this arrangement.
By not understanding this about myself, I didn’t know who I was and I blamed myself for things that don’t work out. I need to honor this part of myself. This knowledge helps me to accept myself without judgment. It arms me to do the self-care I need. Awareness of the trait lets us begin to understand how our traits interact with someone else’s traits. I don’t berate myself for not being able to live alone peacefully. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be alone at times, which I do. It just means in the grand view of my personality, I find peace living with another human being.
So when I got into a new relationship, I was glad that person was also a live with. That’s not a requirement for a relationship. If the two people are on opposite sides of this trait, peace can be achieved through awareness and through finding ways to build balance into their relationship.
I ‘ve listened to all sorts of theories over the years about self. Not all fit so I take what makes sense and leave the rest. This theory has helped me be more present with myself in a relationship and understand the other person.
Balance is everything, is the only
way to hold on.
I've weighed the alternatives, the hold
as harbor: It isn't safe
to let go. But consider the hover,
choices made, the moment
between later and too late.
Hesitation is later, regret
too late. You can't keep turning
and turning, or expecting
to return. This earth
is not a wheel, it is a rock
that erodes, mountain by mountain.
And I have been too soft,
like sandstone, but there is a point
where I stand without a story,
immutable and moved, solid
as a breath in winter air.
I have seen my death and I know
it is my neighbor, my brother,
my keeper. In my life
I am going to keep trying
for the balance,
remembering the risks and the value
of extremes, and that experience
teaches the length of allowable lean;
that it is easier — and wiser —
to balance a stone as if on one toe
though it weigh a hundred pounds
than to push it back against the curve
of its own world.
Thank you. As soon as you described those two personality types, I knew I belonged in the first type of needing space and time around me. I am more myself when I am alone. But things get out of balance. It doesn’t mean I want to be alone all the time. I can go months without touching someone now. I want to share what I’ve learned to self-soothe. I’ve learned it from all of your sharings. Sometimes I wake up thinking about the times people weren’t loving towards me or understanding toward me and how painful that was. I finally understood this last year what Thich Nhat Hanh has said about the breath as refuge. One of the skills I use is to come back to the present with my breath, don’t dwell in the past experiences, they don’t exist anymore. Another skill I’ve developed I learned from my Korean movies. One of the characters was taught to self-soothe by hugging herself with her arms crossed in front of her chest and her hands on her opposite shoulders and patting herself on the back, it’s okay, it’s okay. I have no one to hug me, but I can hug me. It’s so good to be laying down and waking up hugging myself. The third skill came from someone’s share in this group. They said they are never alone because their Divine Self is always with them and loving them. The third image is of my Divine Self holding me from behind sending me love. It is so comforting and beautiful.
My spouse just got back from a five-day retreat. I think I fall into the lives-with category. I got a little manic being alone. I’m far less judgmental about personality types than I used to be. That’s just where that person is, enjoy them and appreciate them for what they are instead of trying to mold them into something I want.
Thank you for the reading and shares. I’ve been living alone for the last four years or so. I broke up with someone who was very critical of me who brought me a lot of sadness and depression. A few months after the breakup, I found myself again and it was a wonderful coming home to me. I think we may gravitate from one of those types to another. So much of it is cultural. There’s an expectation that we will have a spouse. I don’t remember anyone saying to me as a child that it was okay to be alone. We were told to get married and have kids. If I hadn’t lived alone, I don’t think I would have ever found peace. I know that. I like hugs from people and I miss that sometimes. I find comfort from close friendships and I feel fortunate that I have a few. I’m glad to be living alone and have found many good things about it, now that I have tried many relationships.
Thank you. I think it’s important to find that balance when you are a live alone and you live with someone, or you are a live with and you are living alone. It’s about finding a balance. That’s why this balance poem was chosen. During the meditation, I reflected on the poem and saw how gorgeous a poem it is. The language is beautiful and the message profound.
Thank you for such a beautiful meditation and thank you to everyone who has shared. I loved the line ‘the risks and value of extremes.’ Not only in the live with. There’s a risk and value in learning the other side sometimes. During the meditation, I was reflecting on how my late spouse and I were such polar opposites. I always looked at it as introvert and extrovert. I’m a pretty extreme introvert although for my job I have to be in public. He was an extreme extrovert. We managed to figure out a way to work things out. He would leave all the time and when he came back, we were so affectionate with each other. I think some of that rubbed off on me, and I think I rubbed off on him. So there was value. The love was so strong, we respected each other’s needs. I think it was a beautiful thing. After he passed, it was hard for me to live alone again. It didn’t feel right but it wasn’t wrong. It was a big adjustment having had that. Now I am grateful for my grandchildren. They lay on me like little puppies and I soak it all in. I miss the physical touch and affection. Thank you for the self-hugging idea. There’s tapping and crossing helps the left and right brain integrate, helps us find the flow between the extremes. Thank you so much. Donna Eden’s book Energy Medicine has all these different exercises for helping the brain.
Thank you so much for joining us today for this meditation adventure we are on. Have a blessed day and be gentle with yourself, whether you are a live alone or live with. Have that awareness in your mind as you go about your day and what it means to you. Thank you.