My Crossroads

It never fails when I turn my gaze outward looking to fulfill an inward want, I’m disappointed. It just never fails. As I find fault with people around me and lack of something and the wish for more attention and wanting to feel special and boredom at routines, I realize I’m not listening. I’m not listening to her quiet voice reminding me she’s there. I’m not hearing her want to feel special and her need for more time and her need for compassion and her fear for being different.

I’m ignoring the little girl tugging at my shirt. I’m ignoring the sound of crying in the dark. I’m ignoring the desire to be seen. I’m ignoring.

It’s easy to ignore when I’ve had so much practice looking outside for the answers. It’s easy to ignore my inner crying when I drown it out with the noise of life. It’s easy to get in line behind the shadows of my past and continue the neglect.

It feels burdensome to have the responsibility of making me happy. Isn’t that what the adults in my life were supposed to do? It’s a crossroads I find myself at when I forget it’s up to me. Once I take the time to honor my needs, doorways open and compassion comes in. Windows are cracked and more light enters. As I break my bonds, I can feel free and find movement. Suddenly there’s opportunities for stepping outside my box of safety. Otherwise, by choosing to ignore and forget, I’m back in the loop of wanting more.

My life hasn’t changed. The challenges are still there. I’ve changed. I find more solutions. I find comfort with my alone time. I find ways to be in the world in my life in my heart.

Finding the Beloved by Danna Faulds

From Go In and In: Poems from the Heart of Yoga, 2002

I spread the feast,

Blanket bending

The slender stems

Of daisies.

I cast my gaze

In all directions,

Watching for my love.

I light a candle,

Shelter it with

A glass chimney,

Break the bread

And pour the wine,

And wait and wait,

Then strain my eyes

Looking to the far

Horizon where the sun

Sinks behind magenta

Hills. Longing fills

Me, and the first star

Speaks silently to me:

“The one that you await

Is already within the gates;

Turn your gaze inside, and

Greet them.” Oh, that