Inner Battle


I’ve been thinking about my childhood lately

Which was out of control

A mishmash

Emotional and physical

Fear, confusion and anger

Swirling around my hope

Anger turned inward to despair

Never understanding why

The anger, sadness, confusion

Constantly hanging in the air

What right does an adult

Have to screw up a child?

I don’t want them in my head

I have had steel walls

Barring them from entrance and

They drop in again

I will not be victimized

By my childhood pain

The thought angers me

Wondering how they got in

Obsessing thoughts that

Send me back into a corner

Reminding me to be silent

Compliant, mindless and small

Obsessive thoughts

Go round and round

Gaining speed

Making no sound

The more I fight

The worse I feel

Trying to gain some

Footage and am losing ground

What do I need?

I ask myself

What do I need?

I call from the edge

I have learned this pattern

From years and years

Running away

from my fears

I can’t win on my own

My voice is thin

The fear is strong

And I won’t win

Recruits are here

Standing ready to act

Ready to jump in

Once I call their name

I am not helpless

I just forget

I need only to ask

For what I need and yet

I’m distracted by the pain

Affirmations

Fake it til you make it

I can do it

Come flying in

Singing

Praying

Affirming

Naming

I believe in good

I am not lost

My teachers, mentors

Guides and angels

I am not alone

Joys and miracles

Good people and good deeds

And the safe ones

Who represent the light I need

Recruits stand ready

Once I ask for help

Creativity flies in

Doors opened with hope

I surround myself with believers

Knowing I am in charge

I am the adult

Calling in soldiers all by name

I am perfect

I am whole

I am happy

I am complete

I am loved

I am safe

I am trusting

I am free

Believing I count

Trusting my voice

I land on my feet

Exhausted with relief

This work on myself

Has come through again

The fears come in

And I fight to the win

This battle is old

And yet appears new each time

Until I remember

I deserve to be here

To take up space on this earth

To breathe fresh air

To soothe myself

With the resources I have gathered

Knowing I am not alone

I need only to remember

Reaching out for help

Is the good way to surrender

PARTICIPANTS REFLECTIONS

  • Thank you for sharing yourself and your path with us.

  • Thank you for that heartfelt reading. To see your process to deep understanding and compassion towards yourself is very helpful

  • I’ve learned that I can live in the problem or the solution. My lower self wants me to be unhappy. My higher self wants me to live in happiness. I have a have choice today. Disease wants me to focus on negative. But I can get to a place of peace.

  • This was a powerful share. I liked the words “swirling around my hope”. “Hope” is a powerful word. I’m in a dark place today too. I reminded myself how powerful gratitude is. I can also be consumed by the garbage of my past, of the present. As a child, I was made to kneel in the corner. Today, I have resources. I don't have to be in the corner in this pandemic. My higher power is with me in this room. Thank you.

  • Thank you for the reading, for your courage, love, and evolution. I also came from a difficult situation. I have recurring dreams. I remind myself it's not negative. It is part of life. There are diamonds in the manure. I can connect with our heart. The negative keeps coming back, and we keep on going. We can tap into the love that we didn't get as kids. Very brave share today.

  • Thank you for your struggle. I can feel the energy of the people here. During the meditation, I kept trying to sink into my deeper chakras, but I watched my thoughts swirl up. Those are not here and now. I let them go. I enjoyed meditating with others.

  • Great sharing. I had two vivid dreams last night. The first was fear based, purse stolen, fear of being stranded. This has to do with my going through a divorce. In the second dream, I was looking at an apartment, at all the rooms, wondering what to do.

  • Matt Kahn says, “If you feel it, you can heal it. If you hear it, you can clear it.”

  • A part of me I abandoned as a kid and put walls up. It takes time to take the walls down. You help me to share in this safe place. When I'm in the abandoned place, I forget it’s my little girl feeling abandoned. I forget there is my adult self who can take care of me. I work on repeating affirmations. After all, it’s easy to repeat the negative things.

  • Kenneth Soares has lots of affirmations which are very comforting. When we can’t come up with our own, we can listen to him. I thought it was stupid at first, but learned it’s not.

  • In the 12-step program, they talk about the power of sharing experience, strength, and hope. It makes a person and their own inner struggle real. Seeing a teacher’s inner struggle is important for the student to learn. The 12-steps can be summarized as ‘trust god, clean house, help others.’ By sharing your pain and process towards living in the light, you are helping others learn.

  • The bottom line is fear. I have an online class this afternoon on fear with 50 participants. I will walk through my own fear of doing this class. When we are challenged, our human voice screams.

  • You landed on your feet

  • Profound session

#choice #authenticity #gratitude #surrender #meditation #negativethinking #fierceness #innerstruggle #childhoodpain

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