Yesterday was a very difficult day. I didn’t get in a fight with anyone. I didn’t make a huge mistake that cost people money. I didn’t watch a murder happen outside my door. I didn’t even watch TV or listen to the news.
I became vulnerable. I flung the doors of my insides wide open and shared a personal struggle with food (see Nov 17 blog).
I was fine through the meditation and reflections. However, I could feel my stomach knotting tighter and tighter as the minutes ticked by until I hit end Zoom.
When I stood up my knees were shaking so I immediately sat back down. I was stunned. I don’t know how many times I’ve come out in this lifetime, but this was definitely another ‘coming out’ to check off my list.
There’s something deep inside me that compels me to share my process. Maybe it’s the years of living in a toxic household with everyone emoting behind their façade. Maybe it’s my commitment to truth and my willingness to demonstrate truth to the very core of my being. Maybe it’s accumulated hurts from those who couldn’t tell me their truth even though I could feel it, and ultimately leave our relationship.
I don’t know.
I do know I love myself through my shame because I am worth it.
I do know the majority of people walking on this earth judge themselves using shame and guilt as a guide to their actions.
I do know I don’t want to play the shame game anymore.
I do know I want to be honest with myself
I do know I choose who I share with always discerning my safety.
I do know I am never alone with my experiences, that others struggle too.
I do know I am doing the best I can walking in my shoes on this earth and you are too.
As I learn to walk with fear at my side, I also walk with shame at my side. Shame does not rule my happiness. I feel shame and live life anyway.
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ― Brene Brown
AFFIRMING OUR DARKER EMOTIONS
I think of grief as a process of healing from hurt and loss
I think of fear as a signal to pay attention to something important or urgent
I think of despair as a call to transform my sense of life’s meaning and to renew my faith
What my grief says about me is that I am open, tender-hearted and loving
What my fear says about me is that I am human
What my despair says about me is that I need to take care of myself and attend to my soul
If I fully experienced my grief, I would feel more fully alive and grateful for each moment
If I fully experienced my fear, I would be able to enjoy my life more
If I fully experienced my despair, I would renew myself and have more integrity and meaning in my life
What I’d most like to do with my grief is use it to grow in compassion
What I’d most like to do wit