Life pissed me off a long time ago and I got angry but didn’t know what to do with my anger. I ate. I pretended. I judged and redirected my anger inward. I got depressed. I got sick.
I grew up learning to love my neighbor as thyself. I never learned to love myself. I floundered until I was ready to face and feel.
Life breaks me open with loss and despair. Pain is an incredible motivator for change. I find comfort and peace by facing and feeling. I’ve learned denial leads to more pain. I’m a seasoned life traveler. With more understanding, I see this journey is about discovery, acceptance and navigation to peace and comfort.
I started out on this journey believing my body does the body stuff. My mind does the thinking. My heart feels love and hurt. My spirit is somewhere out there floating around. I never got how I am the whole vessel with all of these parts functioning together.
As a psychic medium, I open to an energy greater than what I think and feel. I open to an unnamed vastness that takes me places and holds wisdom. I use my whole vessel, all of me to do so.
Little did I know when commencing my daily meditation group over 300 days ago this journey was really a fine tuning of my vessel. I’ve learned so many facets about my spirit, my body, my mind, my heart, my gut, my soul.
This meditation journey started out full speed ahead. Much like life, lots of energy at the onset. I have documented so much of my travels through my blogs. I come up against unexpected moguls and navigate around them. Every once in a while, I run into an internal mountain or earthquake and I negotiate, feel, learn and move on. All in the name of gathering more wisdom. All in the name of learning to love and accept myself.
I’ve learned how important it is to honor my needs, not deny them. Sometimes my nerves feel jangled. I’m exhausted feeling too much. It’s all part of my sensitive nervous system and requires self care. I need time to just be. I zone out and watch meaningless TV, play solitaire on my phone, daydream, do nothing.
I used to deny myself downtime naming me lazy, depressed or lacking productivity. Now I bow to the wisdom of my vessel and honor the inner alarms. I align myself with inane activities. I give my nervous system a rest, ease into compassion and coax my jangles into flows. I am back to myself.
May I continue in peace knowing this journey is really my life in action. I am paying attention. I am prioritizing my needs. I am committed to learning and growing and sharing because I feel braver and more confident when I know I’m not alone in this life. I am present with me.
For Those Who Have Far to Travel A Blessing for Epiphany
—Jan Richardson, from Circle of Grace: A Book of Blessings for the Seasons
If you could see the journey whole, you might never undertake it, might never dare the first step that propels you from the place you have known toward the place you know not.
Call it one of the mercies of the road: that we see it only by stages as it opens before us, as it comes into our keeping, step by single step.
There is nothing for it but to go,
and by our going take the vows the pilgrim takes:
to be faithful to the next step; to rely on more than the map; to heed the signposts of intuition and dream; to follow the star that only you will recognize;
to keep an open eye for the wonders that attend the path; to press on beyond distractions, beyond fatigue, beyond what would tempt you from the way.
There are vows that only you will know: the secret promises for your particular path and the new ones you will need to make when the road is revealed by turns you could not have foreseen.
Keep them, break them, make them again; each promise becomes part of the path, each choice creates the road that will take you to the place where at last you will kneel
to offer the gift most needed— the gift that only you can give— before turning to go home by another way.
Participants' reflections
Thank you for that reading. It resonated with me today. The words from the poem “to be faithful to the next step” and for the wonders in the journey of the path. Today, is the 3rd anniversary of the passing of my spouse. Yesterday’s meditation reflection about living with and living alone, trying to get that balance of living alone. So today’s reading was really helpful. There is wonder in the journey and I have to look for that. Thank you.
Thank you. I was reflecting on the different parts of me as a vessel. I had not thought about it that way and I have compartmentalized that. My experience was to have each part of my vessel respond to and pay attention to one thing it might need. It was really helpful. I became aware that my spiritual journey is just out there somewhere, hanging around while I am dealing with my emotions. My thinking brain part of me is exhausted. So it was a nice way to check in with myself around my whole self and what I need to take care of.
I think it’s why I said pain is an incredible motivator. I have pain in my mind, my body, my heart, and I don’t want it, so I look for ways to help it.
It’s not like it’s painful, the spiritual part is ignored. My emotions create the most pain and exhaustion, when I think I can control things with my brain. But it’s not like it’s body pain. I’m looking at pain as an ache for more, a yearning, an emptiness. Pain is layered in all things.
Thank you so much. When you started this meditation group, you were only going to do it for one month. Here we are almost 11 months later. It’s true, if you knew the whole journey, you wouldn’t take it. It is blessed that the whole journey is hidden from us. Our only task is to keep taking forward steps. It’s interesting to think about it at these different levels of mind, body, spirit, and emotions. I’m going to think about all these levels and see if I can integrate them today.
I find it helpful when you talked about taking care of all the parts of yourself, being aware of them and even doing the silly things. All the aspects of yourself need recognition and care, and they help us on the journey. We use all of them even if we don’t know we are.
Thank you. I used to have a friend that said you don’t go any farther than the headlights. The headlights are in front of you but it is only what you are doing in the present moment. That step within those headlights is what we only need to be concerned about. I thought about that. We keep taking whatever steps within the headlights not knowing what is beyond, and not focused on the outcome of where this path is taking us. It’s faith, like you said, faith in the journey and the places along the way to use our gifts. When we get there, we continue to use our gifts. Have faith in the journey; it’s a wonderous journey.
Going through the years with helping my daughter survive, it’s pretty hard to stay present when you are dealing with the loss of a child. It’s much easier to worry about everything and prepare for the coming catastrophe. It’s not always easy. I like the metaphor of the headlights. I used to touch my nose and say this is what I know, what’s right in front of me. The tip of my nose is where I am in the present. Life can be a crazy circus.
Life is a long journey if we are fortunate. I remember when there weren’t rest areas on highways. I remember stopping at them when they were created. We never talk about taking ‘adult steps’. We talk about ‘baby steps.’ We are so proud when a baby first walks. They are learning as they go. When we learn to slow down and take baby steps, we don’t acknowledge all the beauty in the journey. We are taking adult steps. We may trip and suffer on the journey if we aren’t careful. We take baby steps and we take adult steps.
I love the idea of adult steps as opposed to baby steps. We have matured and we have experience. And we can step more confidently now and we can take adult steps with the maturity we have. And sometimes when we can’t, we take baby steps. That’s another perspective. I love that metaphor.
In engineering, the difference is a feedback vs a feedforward system. In a feedback system, you do something and check it out that it’s okay. You look around and get feedback. In a feedforward system, you are assuming everything is okay and you don’t pay attention to anything and you move forward.
Thank you for joining us today. Thank you for being on this journey with us. It’s quite a journey. I always learn from every situation. I’m grateful to be present so I can share my experience. I hope you have a gentle day in your adult steps and baby steps, however you choose.