The gifts I did not ask for

by Shirley Riga

 

Burning pressure pushing upward

Resisting all thought in mind

I find myself intolerant

Of everything I find

 

My head is turned in denial

And my feet are on the run

My stomach aches with a refusal

To take a peek into the hum

 

I sleep lying still in a supposed relaxed state

With my teeth clenched tight

Juxtaposed with my snoring

My resistance continues through the night

 

Days upon days and years upon years

I play this denying game

As the truth begins to seep into

My body of pain

 

I’ve even believed at times in my life

I am an alien from a planet afar

And somehow I ended up in this world

By a misstep within the stars

 

All my days I’ve lived on this earth

In this body with these senses so raw

From a tiny child never understanding

The feeling and knowing that I saw

 

It’s a mystery that is slowly unraveling

These gifts I am told are mine

I’ve trained myself to ignore

All the signs and signals over time

As I unravel into being in this world of light

I see the wall now that I built within

I’m amazing at the power of the mind

With the intention to limit and dim

 

But I’m done with denial and resistance

I’ve stepped beyond my walls

I’ve ritualized my acceptance

And stand back to watch the fall

 

Of the walls, of the limits of the sounds

Within, I am thawing into who I am

And amazingly a benefit

Is the lessening of my pain within

 

I don’t know where I am going

Or what I am to do

I do know I am willingly present

As I learn who I am anew

 

I am a seer of thought and pictures

I am a knower of the world beyond

I am a healer and transmuter of pain

I am in acceptance of what I already am.