You Matter

I don’t like being misunderstood. It pisses me off. The minute I detect misunderstanding I step away and shut the door behind me. End of story.

I was more of a black and white thinker years ago maneuvering through the world judging good/bad, safe/unsafe, fun/not fun. Two worlds two sides necessary for my survival.

My safety lies in understanding and categorizing. Then I know where I stand with my safety, my sense of well being and my sense of self.

I’d rather forget this fact, but I grew up with a sign in our basement that said “As a rule, man is a fool, When it's hot, he wants it cool; When it's cool, he wants it hot, Always wanting what is not.”

I’d like to think I’ve grown into more shades, seeing the hues beyond the black and white of life. I work at erasing memories from my childhood but they never leave. I deny thoughts about my lineage and they don’t go away. Erasing and denial are not the answer, but old habits die hard. I feel like a dog with a bone, constantly hunting for the perfect place to bury my treat.

Maybe the question is not why. Maybe there is no question. Maybe there is only acceptance. I am the way I am.

I expect at some point I will tire of hunting for an answer and move into acceptance. But I tend to resist until I choose to end the game on my terms, in my time. I choose acceptance and hope I listen.

Hold Out Your Hand

by Julia Fehrenbacher

Let's forget the world for a while fall back and back into the hush and holy of now are you listening? This breath invites you to write the first word of your new story your new story begins with this: You matter. You are needed—empty and naked willing to say yes and yes and yes. Do you see the sun shines, day after day whether you have faith or not the sparrows continue to sing their song even when you forget to sing yours stop asking Am I good enough? Ask only Am I showing up with love? Life is not a straight line it's a downpour of gifts, please— hold out your hand

Participants’ Reflections:

  • Thank you so much for your beautiful words this morning. As wonderful as your blog is, the one thing missing that this group provides is hearing your words with your voice, and the inflection and cracks in your voice. When you allow yourself to be empty and raw with us, that is a community you created, which inspires us to remind ourselves and empowers us to empower ourselves to build a community of safety and love and support around us. Which is not something we are used to. We can create our own community and you demonstrate this. I had this vision of taking this wounded self, that was me, wrapped in bandages and encased in concrete with a moat around me. And when you and others allow yourselves to expose your nakedness and perceived emptiness, it enables me to fill in my moat and build bridges and take off my bandages and allow the air and sun to hear me. I am so grateful to have found this group. Thank you.

  • Thank you for the reading. In the mediation, I went immediately to a reading that was at my mother-in-law’s house. A big article about how to save someone who is choking. There was an image of a man choking and someone behind him trying to save him. This image was a little disturbing actually. It was an old newspaper article that had clearly been there a very long time. It scared my kids a little bit. It was uncomfortable. What I realized during the meditation, I moved through the fact that I had a hard time breathing at that house. There was judgment and conversation that wasn’t authentic. I feel like I want to do a ritual. I thought of taking it down. I want to release that. I need to process that. I’m okay just the way I am. Thank you.

  • I think that sign was the start of beating myself up for feeling the way I did. I think it’s natural, a lot of us tend to want what we cannot have. I’ve come to see that acceptance is the answer, and I don’t always like acceptance, things that happen with people, work, my health. If I don’t accept it and am always fighting it, I’m miserable. I always want what is not, that constant struggle. I have a sign in my house, ‘have a good day unless you made other plans.’

  • Thank you for your reading and for your presence. Today it was very meaningful to experience you in this way. Acceptance is what I meditated on. Recentl