Who’s on my side?

I’m not in a great place this morning. I didn’t sleep well and am grumpy and off. I apologize for my crustiness. Sometimes life is not fair.

I’ve spent so much time in my head telling myself life is not fair. I was a pessimist and a cup-half-empty type of person. I always waited for the other shoe to drop and the corner to turn for what I feared would happen. It’s easy to get stuck in such a dark place. Year after year things happen that aren’t fair, aren’t right, and certainly not good. The key words are ‘get stuck’. I was stuck in a habit of negative thinking -- my mind immediately went to the worst thing that would happen in any situation.

I’m remembering the day I was told my best friend, my horse, was euthanized due to an unresolvable illness that kept her in pain. I had hope for Betsy but my parents made the decision without telling me and while at school the vet did the deed. I was so devastated I swore I would never talk to them again and I vowed in that moment I would never get my hopes up again, ever.

I believe it was then I literally lost hope. I sent hope away and shut the door. All this happened before I was married, before I had children, before life really set in.

In my work with Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, I teach the concept that words have energy. I truly believe they do. Vowing to never have hope again is not just a sentence that rides out of my mouth on waves of despair. Energetically my words became a presence in my energy field and took up space sealed off like a hidden room within. My despair got locked away.

As life happens, more despair happened and eventually I got into therapy and worked through my loss of Betsy. I learned how absolutely important it is to address the pain pockets inhabiting my insides. Otherwise, they get bigger and bigger.

What was my biggest ally in addressing my pain pockets? Not my therapist. It was my journal. I started journaling after my second daughter was born. My journal was my most trusted confidante. I dumped my feelings in my journal. My rule was no holding back. Even if I wrote the “F” word a thousand times, it was my journal my choice.

Journaling opened my pain pockets slowly on my own time at the pace I could handle as things came up.

My bottom line is if I don’t step up to my insides and address my pain, who will? There is no one better to understand me, than me. I am not the helpless teen any more. I am an adult capable of problem solving and providing what I need.

Susan Jeffers offers seven statements about taking responsibility I want to share:

  1. Taking responsibility means never blaming anyone else for anything I am being, doing, having or feeling.

  2. Taking responsibility means not blaming myself. It’s important to understand that I have always done the best I possibly could in any moment.

  3. Taking responsibility means being aware of where and when I am NOT taking responsibility so that I can change.

  4. Taking responsibility means handling my inner chatterbox

  5. Taking responsibility means being aware of the payoffs that keep me stuck.

  6. Taking responsibility means figuring out what I want in life and acting on it

  7. Taking responsibility means being aware of the multitude of choices I have in any given situation.

Sometimes the hardest thing to discern is what I want. I can easily think of what I don’t want and also list all the reasons why I don’t deserve them. Those negative thoughts are a clue to where my mind is stuck.

Awareness is a tool to help discover the clues to my inner pockets.

I gather and use tools that help build optimism within.