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We Hold the Gate

For years, my heart has been closed to my father. I held nothing but contempt for him when he was alive. He never gifted me with feelings of safety and love, always harsh criticism and domination. My heart closed him out. I acknowledged him as a neighbor, and that is how I survived all the years he was in his physical body.

He transitioned decades ago. I don’t even remember the date. All I knew was it was over and I didn’t have to deal with him ever again. Except for one thing – I’ve kept the hurt in my heart, closed up, covered over and quiet, like I was as a child in order to be safe around him. I’ve kept my pain going because it hurt so much. The pain has continued to hurt over all the years he’s been gone.

I’ve been growing into my abilities as a psychic medium. Probably 40 years now I’ve had an interest that spurred me on to learn and explore my sensitivities. Within the past five years, since my daughter transitioned, I feel freer to finally open up to all my gifts and they slowly unfold in ways that support me.

Over a year ago, in a mediumship practice circle, my father came through a practicing medium. She was uncomfortable with his energy. His message was not of remorse but of his struggle to ease his regret, ease the pain in his heart and find resolution to his life as my father.

It’s always an option whether to accept a spirit in or not. Safe strong boundaries are key to a medium. I chose not to accept his message. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to hear about his pain. I had enough of my own.

Within a few weeks of that incident, while relaxing into sleep, I saw him walking towards me again, wanting to talk. I refused again, pushed him away and closed my psychic door. That was the last time I had contact with my father.

I am very aware he is resolving his life on the other side. He is working with support to understand why he chose to live as he did. He is working on himself. That’s the beauty of spirit. There is support on the other side for recovery, whether from emotional trauma or physical trauma perpetrated or received, all of it respected and guided to resolve the discomfort of the spirit.

I’ve let him be. I’ve softened my resolve and allowed the idea that he’s taking responsibility for his actions to soften my actions to block him out. It’s been well over a year since that point.

In last night’s mediumship practice circle, he came in again. I didn’t recognize his energy. In fact, I heard the medium describing his presence and I ignored it. I wasn’t in the mood. I was not feeling well, purging through another emotional clearing that causes the familiar indigestion, body ache, headache, basically feeling like crap. It was all emotional. I knew my discomfort was not food related nor environmentally related. It was emotions, ready to be released through the closed corner of my heart.

This clearing process is part of opening up to my gifts as a psychic medium. The clearer I am the clearer I am. It’s not easy work, and I am willing to do it.

My mentor asked the group if they recognize this gentleman who has come in, hat in hand, asking to be heard. I reluctantly raised my hand. I said maybe I recognize him was my answer. I was willing to listen, not willing to commit.

He has deep remorse for the life he lived as my father. He holds in his hand a card I made him as a child. This card is dear to him and he carries it with him all the time. He now sees its value. He acknowledged his dominating sternness and now understands how stuck he was. He thought that was how to love his children. He didn’t know how to change. He is happy I am a part of this circle and doing the work I do. He is grateful. He is proud of me.

I hold these words now in my heart. I’m not sure what I feel. My heart is not sure yet either. It takes me a few days to assimilate strong emotions; I need to be with me, comfort and gentle myself and they ease in. that’s what I’m doing.

We all suffer from traumatic experiences as children. The adults in our lives struggle to be the guiding lights we need, and often they don’t know how to. My job is to stay steady with my hurt child, stay steady with a gentle loving presence and allow healing to happen.

Our connections don’t just end when loved ones leave their physical bodies. We can heal if we choose to care enough about ourselves to open to possibilities. Our minds can’t make these opportunities occur. Our intentions to heal ourselves guide the way with help from our guides and angels on the other side. This is my opportunity to heal my relationship with my father. It’s up to me to open my door and venture out into a welcoming space.

Interestingly enough, my physical discomfort eased after that conversation. My indigestion eased, I had more energy, I was warm instead of chilled. I felt like I was able to eat. The synchronicity within the tapestry of life is beyond my understanding. I’m grateful for the wisdom of the Universe.

Participant’s Reflections:

  • I’d like to speak directly to what you shared. What stood out for me was when you said you weren’t sure what you were feeling. That’s okay. I heard the message coming from your father. I heard, from his spirit plane, he was taking full responsibility for, quite frankly, what appears to me as his incompetence as a father. I was listening to that very deeply and also listening to you having to process that here on the Earth plane. Not an easy thing to do. I want to offer love and support. What is the irony is that you’re having this experience on Juneteenth, a day marking freedom in all its forms and our own realignment to freedom in the history of the country. And you’re having your own realignment within your own life in terms of securing freedom so you can ascend to an even higher place in your service to all of us. I am so aware that there’s something very beautiful and love-filled that is happening now. So what do you do with those spaces where one doesn’t know what one is feeling? I had a wonderful father but I’ve had other similar let-down experiences—and I just know that all I can do at that point is to allow his angels to speak to him, releasing him, choosing love from the very space I’m in at that moment in time. I thank you for such a vulnerable and deep share with all of us today.

  • Thank you for sharing the steps along the way for you. I realized that to not feel safe at home would make one a survivor. You went into survivor mode. Your psychic gifts alongside this life’s journey are an amazing pairing and are providing this processing that is going on. When someone dies, we think we can stop dealing with them. But that’s not a choice. I honor the way you have been taking care of yourself every step of the way. I am happy to have it reaffirmed that after death our healing continues and we have support. Thank you.

  • I was scared of my father most of the time I was growing up. He was very remote and involved in his job. What was lost was any attention to the family. We went on marathon trips during the summer where we had to help him and were yelled at. What did it for me was taking the long view. I realized my grandfather was a very limited person and that my father raised himself up by a lot of hard work. I see that my love of innovation and woodworking I got from my father. With that long view, I tried to sympathize with what he went through growing up.

  • Your reading made me cry. My father transitioned last year. I had a challenging relationship with him. During the meditation, I focused on your words that there’s work being done on the other side. If my father came to me now, would I welcome him? Would I listen to him? What would he say to me? That has given me something to think about. Thank you for your words.

  • It takes courage to say that. I know I’m not alone in what I’m experiencing.

  • It’s amazing to me humanity feels so alone. Sometimes I wonder how we got the ideas about having to do it all by ourselves, how the world is supposed to be and how our vulnerability is seen as a disadvantage of the soft spots in us. A book pivotal for me is entitled The Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood by Wayne Muller. Thank you.

  • Thank you. I cried also. It was a powerful reading. I was struck by the point you were making struggling to open your heart up to something you knew intellectually. I think this works with people in our lives in general. I have a good friend but I feel my heart closing against him because I don’t like what he is saying. I don’t want to be in a closed heart state to anyone. I had a difficult time with my father as well. What I learned from my sponsor was how to communicate with people who are a challenge in my life. She taught me to put my Higher Power between that person and me so that it isn’t a direct communication. Everything I say goes up on a triangle to my Higher Power and down to them, and everything I hear goes up to my Higher Power and comes down to me. This way, I am always protected. I can keep my heart open because I am protected by my Higher Power with anyone in my life, whether they are on this side of the veil or on the other side. I like to be in a state where my heart is open. I’m going to work on that with my friend.

  • Thank you. My father was a loving father. He said something once to me that I totally misunderstood. It wasn’t until he passed away that I was able to see it differently, probably because I was older and understood more. You are giving me hope that he knows that I have thought about it, that I misunderstood and certainly feel better about it.

  • Thank you. Thank you all for being present and witnessing your own feelings and emotions as well as what others shared and what I shared. This is called community. We don’t have to do it alone, which I am so grateful for. I wish you all gentle comfort as you go about your day whether it’s raining or the sun is shining, that you welcome in what you choose to welcome in. It’s all up to us because we hold the gate. I am going to be with my words and feelings, and the support both inside and out today. Thank you. I hope you do as well.

Photo credit: Marek Piwnicki

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