Wanting versus Being


An old boss of mine used to mumble on a Monday morning, “I feel like I’ve been pulled through a knothole backwards.” That about sums it up. I’m over the worst of it and still see bumps ahead. I’m okay.

When pain takes over, emotional, physical or otherwise, I’m on survivor mode, doing what I have to do to take care of my needs, my responsibilities to get through each day. I’ve gotten better with age. My body holds pain like hidden pockets that disperse slowly as I cry. You know, those puffball mushrooms when you step on them, they emit that cloud of smoke? There goes another pocket. I do improve with time.

My goal every year is to choose to move through my pain instead of sitting down in it weaving a web of sadness that hangs on me day after day. I keep my body moving; keep my mind focused and honor the sadness, the anger as well as the joyful memories and the present – what I have now. Who I am now. Where I am now.

I wrote a book about my survival as a caregiver. It focuses on the peripheral story of her life, and pulls the reader in to my survival story of tools, resources and insights I gleaned while living it. The book is based on my journal writing and reflections through her stages of growth, through my stages of growth into a deeper understanding of the learnings. I stopped writing in 2013 because I didn’t know how to end it. After her transition, I realized that was the ending I was looking for but didn’t want to see. It all made sense. It was self-published in 2016.

My daily journal granted me a process to be the observer and describe what was happening, express my feelings and reactions to my day and reflect on what I learned from the experience. It became a formula defining each tool I gathered for my life toolbelt. I began to see familiar patterns in my reactions, my mindset and my choices and made changes that worked for me. The carousel of life always granted me another opportunity for learning.

Life is messy. Wounded people wounded me. My life is riddled with losses and childhood pain and struggles trying to figure out who I am, what I want and where I am going. I felt lost most of the time. I always considered myself too sensitive, too serious and not good enough as I compared myself to the ideals of what I should be. Like a fish in a fishbowl not knowing what water is, I couldn’t see the path I was on because I was in it. It wasn’t time yet.

My life has been a process driven by my curiosity and intention. I always knew I wanted to help but didn’t know how – because it wasn’t time to know how. I always knew I wanted to know more about the energy world as my interests led me to learn more, but it wasn’t time to step into a specific role.

The Universe has a plan. My Higher Power has a plan. Mother Earth has a plan. I afford myself the luxury of believing these Divine plans are functioning perfectly as the Earth heals, people wake up and heal, and I continue to heal. My mind can’t figure out the plan. I thought I understood the overall plan as I witness its unraveling. My mind can’t make sense of the suffering and injustices going on around me. Yet, so many times I’ve witnessed an outcome that my mind could not have figured out in its best moments.

The weaving of synchronicity is amazing. I’m committed to serve Oneness and maintain my focus, stay in alignment and practice my presence. Taking care of myself is part of my plan so I can watch the show.

Now is the time to know

By: Hafiz

Now is the time to know That all that you do is sacred. Now, why not consider A lasting truce with yourself and God? Now is the time to understand That all your ideas of right and wrong Were just a child's training wheels To be laid aside When you can finally live with veracity And love. Now is the time for the world to know That every thought and action is sacred. That this is the time For you to compute the impossibility That there is anything But Grace. Now is the season to know That everything you do Is Sacred