An old boss of mine used to mumble on a Monday morning, “I feel like I’ve been pulled through a knothole backwards.” That about sums it up. I’m over the worst of it and still see bumps ahead. I’m okay.
When pain takes over, emotional, physical or otherwise, I’m on survivor mode, doing what I have to do to take care of my needs, my responsibilities to get through each day. I’ve gotten better with age. My body holds pain like hidden pockets that disperse slowly as I cry. You know, those puffball mushrooms when you step on them, they emit that cloud of smoke? There goes another pocket. I do improve with time.
My goal every year is to choose to move through my pain instead of sitting down in it weaving a web of sadness that hangs on me day after day. I keep my body moving; keep my mind focused and honor the sadness, the anger as well as the joyful memories and the present – what I have now. Who I am now. Where I am now.
I wrote a book about my survival as a caregiver. It focuses on the peripheral story of her life, and pulls the reader in to my survival story of tools, resources and insights I gleaned while living it. The book is based on my journal writing and reflections through her stages of growth, through my stages of growth into a deeper understanding of the learnings. I stopped writing in 2013 because I didn’t know how to end it. After her transition, I realized that was the ending I was looking for but didn’t want to see. It all made sense. It was self-published in 2016.
My daily journal granted me a process to be the observer and describe what was happening, express my feelings and reactions to my day and reflect on what I learned from the experience. It became a formula defining each tool I gathered for my life toolbelt. I began to see familiar patterns in my reactions, my mindset and my choices and made changes that worked for me. The carousel of life always granted me another opportunity for learning.
Life is messy. Wounded people wounded me. My life is riddled with losses and childhood pain and struggles trying to figure out who I am, what I want and where I am going. I felt lost most of the time. I always considered myself too sensitive, too serious and not good enough as I compared myself to the ideals of what I should be. Like a fish in a fishbowl not knowing what water is, I couldn’t see the path I was on because I was in it. It wasn’t time yet.
My life has been a process driven by my curiosity and intention. I always knew I wanted to help but didn’t know how – because it wasn’t time to know how. I always knew I wanted to know more about the energy world as my interests led me to learn more, but it wasn’t time to step into a specific role.
The Universe has a plan. My Higher Power has a plan. Mother Earth has a plan. I afford myself the luxury of believing these Divine plans are functioning perfectly as the Earth heals, people wake up and heal, and I continue to heal. My mind can’t figure out the plan. I thought I understood the overall plan as I witness its unraveling. My mind can’t make sense of the suffering and injustices going on around me. Yet, so many times I’ve witnessed an outcome that my mind could not have figured out in its best moments.
The weaving of synchronicity is amazing. I’m committed to serve Oneness and maintain my focus, stay in alignment and practice my presence. Taking care of myself is part of my plan so I can watch the show.
Now is the time to know That all that you do is sacred. Now, why not consider A lasting truce with yourself and God? Now is the time to understand That all your ideas of right and wrong Were just a child's training wheels To be laid aside When you can finally live with veracity And love. Now is the time for the world to know That every thought and action is sacred. That this is the time For you to compute the impossibility That there is anything But Grace. Now is the season to know That everything you do Is Sacred
I wrote down your words “life toolbelt”. I like that expression and I feel I need to be able to take care of myself so that I’m not dependent on anybody else. And it starts me thinking in those terms.
Thank you for your powerful reading. I loved the idea of treating yourself as sacred and with grace. I grew up beating myself up because I wasn’t good enough. It’s been a long journey that I’ve had to overcome that. And I love thinking about everything I do as sacred. That opens me up to absolute love and acceptance of myself, if everything I do is sacred. Because it is. Everybody is trying their best and are deeply caring, and everyone is sacred. No matter how messy it gets. Thank you for that thought.
Silence is rich as we ponder. It’s a great way to start a day.
I was struck by the line in the poem “now is the time to know.” I think earlier steps to get to that place, one can say, “now is the time to be open to knowing.”
It’s a great prayer to say as we struggle wanting something and it isn’t here yet, to say “I am open to knowing” And “Thank you for my openness to knowing.” Another affirmation.
I was reminded of something I had just been reading in a book by Toni Stone who recently died. It’s what we talk about in this group, how critical our words are and how they can determine things for us. I think that’s an incredibly powerful concept. It talks to most of what you say. This is from Remember the Power of Words:
"When you say 'I want,' you are giving notice of lack. When you say, 'I intend,' you’re aiming in a direction. We often talk about the power of words, only put into verbal forms statements that you come to see as realities."- Toni Stone
That’s why I am head over heels for Dr. Susan Jeffers’ book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. She demonstrates it physically in front of a crowd of people. The power of words. She asks someone to come up and she does what is called muscle testing. She asks the person to hold up their arm and to resist. She tries to push it down and they do resist. Then she asks the person to say ten times, “I am not a worthy person.” They comply, and then she asks them to resist again as she muscle tests them. And their arm can’t resist and flops down. Because the people are affirming the power of words. And then she asks them to say “I am a worthy person,” and she does the same muscle test as their arm holds the resistance. I’ve taught this for 10 years and I’ve had nothing but success in demonstrating the power of words. Whenever I work with someone, I ask them to be aware of what they are saying inside their head. Because whether the words are spoken aloud or internally, they have the same power.
I think you used the words “in a haze.” I feel like I’m in a dark, murky, heavy haze and I don’t know how to get out of it, and how to help my family member with health issues. The haze covering him is like pea soup and mine is a little bit lighter. And that issue of taking care of oneself, I’ve never really taken care of myself. I’m wondering if there’s a different way I can think of the haze. It’s not the word inside, but that’s how it feels.
Just the fact that you’re showing up for these meditations means you are doing things to help yourself. Having awareness of words and how we represent ourselves is a big first step. If someone says, “I’m lost, I’m in a deep fog, I don’t know how to treat myself nicely,” those aren’t updated words. They are old words. They can be updated. On Susan Jeffers website, she offers a free downloadable book about what Affirmations, what they are and how to write them. Affirmations are written in the “I am” and in the present talking about ourselves. So “I find clarity in my life” is a great way to redefine fog. You say it in the present tense. Saying “I can see clarity coming” is more in the future. “I see clarity” is in the present tense. It’s steady and true.
This idea of the power of words. I attended a workshop where they talked about being in a wanting state versus a being state. When I’m in a wanting state, it means I am incomplete. There is something out there taking my energy away from me and I need to find it out there. But if I’m in a being state—it’s like being a tree—just being, then I am complete. It’s a more powerful position. When I interact with people, it’s better when I am in a being state versus a wanting state. If I am in a wanting state, it makes me want something from them which ultimately pushes people away. Whereas, if I am in a being state, people are more likely to want to be around me because it’s a powerful attractive place to be.
And being in a being state, it doesn’t mean you can’t define what you need and ask for it, because you can define your needs. It’s another way of using affirmations.
Thank you everyone who has shared your precious, sacred time with us, with your listening and sharing.