I have been on an accelerated course discovering myself. This was a private journey for years and years, and now every day over the last year, I search for meaning and share my discoveries publicly.
Whenever I get stuck or scared, sad or mad, more often than not I am in the audience again comparing what I should be or could be. At times, I feel confused, disappointed and shaken when I compare who I am on my insides to other’s outsides. I’m in the audience.
I am comforted with my mentor’s words
If I’m feeling lost, I’m on the right path.
To a thinker’s mind this makes no sense
To a feeler’s mind, I find it comforting.
I trust the invisible presence that guides me, shows me choices and directs me while my mind twists with worry and anxiety of wrong decisions.
I trust a certain knowing when I stand at the edge of an unknown experience so vast that it feels too big for just me as a human and then get scared again.
From my outside, I blend in with others in this world.
From the inside I am an explorer, traveling beyond any limits gathering comfort and wisdom while sweeping off my next steps.
Sometimes my insides feel like they are on the outside
and everyone can see my delicate world.
I curl into myself, close down and hide.
A repeating pattern has emerged again, one of many I have uncovered in my life. I have learned to pay attention to these patterns for they give me an opportunity to do better, be better, be present and gift myself what I’m silently asking for.
One step forward two steps back. Sometimes two steps forward and one step back. I keep going, keep exploring, keep checking where I am present, within my own heart or wandering in the audience again.
I’m busy;
but not in the way
most people accept.
I’m busy calming my fear
and finding my courage.
I’m busy listening to my kids.
I’m busy getting in touch
with what is real.
I’m busy growing things and
connecting with the natural world.
I’m busy questioning my answers.
I’m busy being present in my life.
Participants' Reflections:
I could talk about busy. We’ve talked here about clarifying language. I got rid of the word busy and am choosing to be engaged and find things that are meaningful to me. I don’t find a lot of them so that I don’t have that old feeling of busyness. For me, busy connoted almost frantic with busyness. Especially during the pandemic, I’ve been working at not having that feeling anymore. So I’m calmer and more serene. I attribute that to engaging in this time for myself in the morning so that the rest of my day goes with more ease. I may be doing quite a few things during the day but they aren’t as packed in and they flow better with ease. I liked the way the poet was busy in important things like being present for herself and for her children. Those are good. So I’d say she is engaged.
It reminds me of my choice of words, that I am in preferment as opposed to retirement. Because the word choice expresses the full meaning of the experience.
I’ve always had a problem giving myself permission to not be busy. For me, that’s a silver lining of the pandemic because there isn’t much to do. I give myself permission and it has opened up a whole new world. I had a lot of guilt if I sat down to meditate. I was telling myself this isn’t worthy to do, it isn’t productive. I grew up with a mother who never sat down. It wasn’t appreciated. I’ve had a hard time appreciating being peaceful and calm. Sitting down in the middle of the day and reading a book was unheard of -- a growth period for me during Covid. I’ve lost a few people in my life, but there have been some really positive things about it and that’s been truly a blessing for me. Thank you.
Thank you so much. I loved this reading. I loved the line if I’m feeling lost, I’m on the right path. As a writer, I get stuck in that place all the time, not knowing where the writing is going or even how to put things out there once they’re done. I have to just be on the path and accept the fact that I am lost. I am very goal-oriented so it’s hard. I learn so much when I open myself up to not knowing where I’m going but just learning and something will get me somewhere. I remember driving along a country road absolutely lost. There were wheat fields around, I could only see the sky. I believed I was on some path and somehow, somewhere, I’d get to some road that I recognized. I had to just keep driving forward in faith and trust. It’s a good practice to practice being in trust by knowing I have no idea where I’m going. It’s a great reminder. Thank you.
Thank you. For me, similar. I heard you talk about wandering. I wander a lot. I wander all the time. I need to wander, it’s a big part of how I walk down my path and how I live. It was affirming to hear that it’s okay to wander. Sometimes it feels like I’m just staring out the window, but I am wandering. It was affirming to hear that. It’s who I am. Thank you.
Yes to all that. You talked about navigating fears and doubts and next steps, and having a life guided by guidance and wisdom. Going between the two. I was thinking about it and feeling there is more wisdom from some source asking to come through. I asked it to come through. I feel that I am at the threshold of being present to that. The poem about being present led me to being present to that possibility that there is even more wisdom and guidance for those very times of fear and doubt. If we can be present to it.
Thank you. I’m loving this. It’s amazing when we begin to understand the chatter, the noise we make. The value of listening and not talking and just being is amazing. Once we get beyond the chatter, we get to the heart of the matter in all of us wherever it may be. Thank you.
One of the reasons I wrote this today. Yesterday’s writing was such a strong experience for me. It shakes me to the core when I have something happen inside that I don’t understand. I’m literally standing at this huge openness and I don’t know what to do with from there. I get scared and close in, which I did most of yesterday. I went to sleep last night asking my Higher Self to help me when I don’t know what is happening. There’s so much mystery out there, especially when we are exploring on the inside. I don’t always have the answers. Today, when I wrote this, I didn’t go to the place where I had to dig so deep. I didn’t have to suffer so much with the emotion I brought up. I just looked at my feelings, wrote about them. They eased out in a way that wasn’t so taxing on my emotions. I have a core belief for me to be meaningful, I have to suffer with it. I don’t need to suffer to speak from my heart.
Thank you. You were saying something about the audience. I look at all of you and others as being so accomplished. I hope and wish I could get to the point where I can get out of the audience. I don’t have the ability to earn what I need at the moment. I feel inadequate, like I am failing. I hope someday I can get to the point of separating it and not beating myself up. If it was someone else saying these things to me, I would tell them they are a kind person and they try so hard. I can’t speak gently with myself yet.
Thank you so much. I can identify. Thank you for reminding me. I have a reading that says ‘food does not digest properly without exercise, and life does not digest without struggle.’ I love that because I struggle and I think I’m bad and doing something wrong when I struggle. But it’s just part of life. I can be gentle with myself through that struggle.
As I listened to the last part of what you were saying, I’ve felt the experience of two of me. One of me sits in front of me to be the observer of what is going on. That way, I can get out of my head and be more impartial in my judgement of me. That feels good. In terms of wandering, I too believe in wandering. I love my T-shirt that says ‘all who wander are not lost.’ We will find the way. Especially with the companionship of this group.
Thank you for mentioning that. I think it’s an incredible skill to be able to separate our wisdom self to be with our humanness when we are struggling. It gives us a different perspective.
Thank you for joining us today. Thank you for being part of this circle as we continue day by day living our lives in our struggles and joys and losses and gains. Life is not easy. Especially now. I think there’s such a good energy happening in the world that is pushing up and out the essence of our authenticity. Sometimes it is hard to swallow what we are feeling. By expressing it, by crying, by writing, by taking some action, we release it. The support of this community helps that process, so thank you for being part of it. I hope you all have a gentle day.