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The Observer Within

“Everyone has an innocent child within that had to contort and limit itself in search of love and security in an overwhelming world. We each also have many shards of self that our child hid along the way. Seeking attention, these arise in our own anxiety and acting out, or through our interpretation of external events and the actions of others.” - Matt Kahn

I have built defensive walls around the innocence of my inner child because of my early experiences. My fears and anxieties were born from my experiences. I am learning to ease self-judgment as I understand and feel compassion for my child’s terror.

Every human adult has an inner child seeking love and security. No matter their role as adults in our lives, their inner child began life seeking love and security. The sacredness of a human baby disappears when a child grows up with fear and anxiety. Like a virulent virus, fear spreads and we label and life goes on year after year.

This understanding, at a bird’s eye view, helps me find compassion for the struggle and the violence and the injustice. I don’t condone any of it. I choose not to join in with hate and fear. I choose to hold compassion, stay safe next to my Observer and breathe in a prayer “May All Beings Find Compassion.”

I’m learning to trust all is well when I am aware of my Observer. I am grateful for her presence. I believe everyone has a right to feel love and security in this overwhelming world. I view life through my Observer eyes and I can stay steady with the chaos in the world.

Now is the time to know That all that you do is sacred.

Now, why not consider A lasting truce with yourself and God?

Now is the time to understand That all your ideas of right and wrong

Were just a child's training wheels To be laid aside

When you can finally live with veracity And love.

Now is the time for the world to know That every thought and action is sacred.

That this is the time For you to compute the impossibility That there is anything But Grace.

Now is the season to know That everything you do Is Sacred

Participants’ Reflections:

  • I loved the idea of training wheels so that you’re able to wobble back and forth and get the idea of what it feels like to be balanced. And then when you are balanced, you still get off-kilter and have to rebalance yourself. I love that idea as it goes forth. You’re talking about learning right and wrong, but it goes way beyond that because there are so many gradations and gray areas as you get older. To be able to use discernment to figure out what is right for me. At first, our parents are probably are our training wheels. And later on, even this community can be our training wheels as we are figuring things out.

  • Thank you. At times, I blunder along and other times, I am coasting.

  • Thank you. That was a great reading. I remember hearing someone share at a 12-step meeting many years ago that she feels like a film director studying the daily rushes of the film she is creating. Just looking at her life that way, look at that. It’s the same idea of being the observer, observing what’s happening, observing my reactions. Just staying at the observer place. It’s a good thing. I try to do that when things get crazy, just observing taking it a second at a time, if necessary, to get through it. It’s a way to get through the ups and downs of life. Just watch it.

  • I so value this observer concept that I’ve been learning over these months in this group. This past weekend, I had mixed feelings about heading out to be with people. The easiest way would have been not to go. But I told myself that I need to collect data with these people and listen to my gut. I told myself to bring my loving, compassionate observer with me. And I did. When I got there, I found there were choices which delighted me having those choices. I made a choice that no one else made. The fact that I had that choice and had my compassionate observer with me, I was entirely comfortable being the only person that made that choice. It put me into a higher perspective and made it okay for me to be me, and okay for the others to be themselves and make their choices. It’s changing my life experience for the better to have that tool. Thank you.

  • What a great example of living through a process with awareness. That’s wonderful. And being in yourself and not in the audience.

  • Every time I hear you reminding yourself to be gentle with yourself, I think of my kitties who are getting old and won’t be around much longer. The gentleness I use with my voice and interact with them. I haven’t done the observer thing, but if I think about it for a minute, I think wouldn’t it be nice if I was as gentle with myself as I am with those kitties. The struggles every day, because it’s still a new concept for me to be gentle with myself and not so hard on myself.

  • I see you practicing because you are being the observer of your kitties. And as you practice, you integrate it to be the observer within. You are in process. You are making progress. That’s how we learn how to do it.

  • I love the whole idea of paying attention to my inner child. I’ve been focused on doing that lately. I’ve been cleaning out my mom’s house and there are pictures in the bedroom hallway. There’s one I love of myself as a little girl. I’ve always tried to make a connection with that little girl as I’ve walked down that hallway. So I took that picture and put it in my bedroom so that I see her often during the day. I love making that connection and taking the time to focus on that wounded little girl and trying to take care of the wounds. It’s made me very attentive to her. Thank you.

  • I have a picture of me at around age 8 years old. It’s there to remind me so that when I forget, I can say hello, remember? Yes, I do remember.

  • Thank you. Such a rich morning. I feel like my imagination and insight is exploding lately. I am reminded that I have a painting in my living room that my father did. Many people have said what a nice painting. But every time I look at it, the composition bothers me. Me in the painting is too far to the left. Compositionally, there are places where you put things. And you don’t want to put things so close to the edge that they fall out of the painting. So every time I walk by and look at it, I think if he just had moved me over into the painting more. That’s how I feel about how I grew up. If I had just been placed a little more to the center, a little more to the top, given a little more attention. That’s what I am trying to do now, to move myself into the center of my painting.

  • By loving yourself, and remembering to hold yourself.

  • And to express myself authentically. That’s been so hard for me because I always want to please, please, please.

  • I hear it here, you expressing yourself authentically. In this incubator, we can practice.

  • Thank you for listening. Thank you for joining in. It is delightful to see your faces and know you are here. It’s so special. I hope you all have a gentle day and that your observer, whether you know it or not, is there. And every once in a while, just take a peek out of their eyes and imagine yourself up in a bird’s nest looking down on life. Have a good day.

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