In this great wide world of wonder so much is not known and what we know is changing as we speak. I abhor ruts and absolutely love habits. That makes no sense. I am amazed at my meditation experiences and those I witness and yet the experiences come and go. Every time I sit in meditation I hope for the lightning bolt experience. Sometimes it takes me a good ten minutes to settle down and feel the connection to calm sereneness. Sometimes I’m enveloped in the smoothness within a moment. Every day is different.
My first experience of expansiveness occurred when I was visiting an ashram with Gurumayi Chidvilasananda.
I had just heard her speak and I was moved to visit the “Cave”, a dark meditation room filled with pillows, incense and silence. Once I sat down and settled, with every breath I was transported. I became the room. I remember feeling like my energy was in each corner of the ceiling and when someone walked in the door, the sound of the hinge was so loud it hurt my ears. I felt like an inflated balloon pushed to its tight skin. I was stunned.
There is no time in this expansiveness. What can occur in a flash of a moment can change a lifetime. I’ll never forget my Cave experience. So many more have accumulated since then.
Practicing silent meditation is a concept many avoid, afraid of what they may find. I was one of those avoiders until the desire became so strong, I stepped into the practice.
Surrendering to silence has helped me feel loved and surrounded by support. The silence feels full of all possibilities. Yet if my mind takes over, the possibilities become an organized list, prioritized and goal oriented which is distracting. There’s a need to surrender the mind and experience the silence before the jewels can be discovered.
I grew up with a belief that the divine is outside of me. I learned to pray to get what I needed to make me happy. I needed to act correctly in order to be in good favor for my requests to be heard. I was little and insignificant, and the divine was all empowering. In my learning, I’ve come to see it’s the strict father model, one that doesn’t work for me anymore.
With my exploring and experimenting and experiencing, I have grown to appreciate the divine is inside of me. Waiting ever so patiently to be discovered as I uncover the inner mystery layer by layer.
I reflect often on the path humanity is on to discover this inner essence, this spark of divinity within each of us. It’s hard to maintain this perspective when my mind gets caught up in fear and tries to figure out what’s next, what I need for my safety.
There’s a great dismantling going on. There is great wisdom present. So much I don’t understand, but in the silence, I feel the wisdom. I feel the vastness of all possibilities. I remind myself the Universe is in charge. I breathe in calmness and watch in my silence.
I count out ten deep
breaths before I enter
the adventure of my
practice, ten breaths
to bring myself present
in the here and now.
Ignited by awareness,
energy wakes and
carries me from effort
into ease. Presence
itself breaths through