She Abandoned Her Post

She abandoned her post. My inner critic left yesterday morning during our morning meditation. I have practiced silence for many days and have become more observant of my inner life, my inner environment. Practicing silence has helped me a great deal, and it also spotlighted a discomfort which gradually increased as I became aware of my negative self-talk. I felt more and more frustrated which drove me to tears as I got closer to the realization my inner judge has been using old ideals, old rules about what I am supposed to be like, act like, sound like, look like.

She has clearly been in charge since her installation 62 years ago. You see I’m an artist using conviction as my medium creating a living inner judge who defined what I should and should not do based on the expectations of my captors. I lived in a hostile environment under the guise of family and was not safe. I was the victim of verbal and sexual abuse. I was psychologically battered to the point my conviction rose and created my inner judge so she was in charge of the limits put upon me. No one else. Her creation gave me relief in a way since I knew immediately my wrongs. I didn’t have to wait to hear them from the outside.

In retrospect, she was really on my side, much the same as my parents were. A tough love built on lack of light. Yesterday I met her. She was facing away from me in a position of alertness. She knew I was there. I waited and she turned to her right at first and then slowly turned to the left, making a 360 degree turn and faced me. I confronted her with what I discovered. Her rules are old rules based on old ideals that don’t work any longer. Her surprise was palpable. She hadn’t realized how out-of-date, out-of-time her presence was. She apologized and left. It was stunning.

This all seems farfetched and yet for the rest of the day going about my usual routine, I felt this stunning absence and some fear. The gate was empty – no one there guarding, watching. I had been abandoned by my inner judge. I don’t feel alone though. I feel excited and free from the grip I had on my shoulders pushing me this way and pulling me that way.

In my early waking time, I see my gate has not been abandoned. I am the gate. I am the boundary. I am the voice that I hear guiding me. I am the force of love that expresses what I need to hear. I am who I turn to when I feel lost and ask, what do I do now? In my silence I hear my wisdom. My silence is my meeting room. My silence is my safe haven. My silence is occupied by a respectful, loving presence guiding me with gentle kindness. In my silence I bring my concerns and fears, questions and quandaries and I am there to listen.

Remember This by Danna Faulds

Vast and changeless,

the ground of being

is not rocked by

ripples on the pond.

The firmament from

which we spring, the

divinity at the heart

of things doesn’t wax

or wane with mind states,

or wither in the wind.

We come from stronger

stuff than feelings.

Essence does not fail

or fade, diminish or

trade reality for illusion.