Rewriting Painful Memories

During my 25 years as a freelance court reporter, I observed behavior and listened so keenly, this skill is engrained in me. I practice this skill with my self-awareness. Yesterday I noticed how often I was sighing. Big deep breath sighs. Was I having trouble breathing? Tension, fear and agitation were also present. Something is going on.

My body speaks to me. Sometimes I don’t understand the messages. Other times I get them crystal clear. I notice repeating patterns. When I feel irritated by other’s behaviors or objects annoying me, that’s the first cue something is up. When I look deeper under these annoyances, there’s a reason behind my annoyance and then I can address it. I’ve learned to delay kneejerk reactions and just watch and listen because almost always it’s an inside issue. I liken it to the feelings I get with the onset of a cold. If symptoms come in fast, the cold resolves fairly quickly. If symptoms crawl in slowly, my issue is deeper. In either case, this knowledge helps me.

Yesterday’s tension rode on my shoulders all evening, into the night and woke me this morning at 2am. I feel like the world is ending. I feel overwhelmed with terror. I feel immobilized and nauseous. I ignore and distract myself with music, guided meditation, puzzles, reading. Nothing is working. The terror feels real, right now bad stuff terror. It feels huge and will annihilate me.

Going through this experience is not new. In fact, this particular memory is not new. It’s been with me all my life. I am grateful to my wife who is well seasoned on helping me clear energy.

Once I was able to speak, my talking brought up memories. I remember when I was between 5-6 years old, standing on the stairwell of my elementary school. It was an old building with dark hallways, bare lightbulbs illuminating the stairwells and thick concrete walls. I am standing on a stairwell heading down to the basement where the cafeteria is. I am immobilized with terror. I can’t move. I can’t speak. All I can do is throw up.

Memories hold energy. I’ve had a lot of practice clearing energy and with this practice I’ve learned to trust my Higher Power. Trouble breathing is my first telltale sign of trouble along with the tension and the tears. A memory presents itself for delivery out of my body much like having a baby. Memories emerge when they are ready to emerge. This was one of those times.

Holding the idea that this experience may be an opportunity to clear energy, I chose to feel my fear instead of ignore it. Jean Houston taught me how to go back into a memory to change it to an empowering experience. I could feel my knees shaking as a small child and Shirley the adult appeared right beside her. The stairwell held just her and I. Everything else disappeared. As I supported her, I realized this is my first real experience as an empath soaking up and feeling emotions all around me. In my little 5 y/o body I could hear the whispers of other’s thoughts, feel the emotions whirling around me and the energetic world beyond my own skin. I was terrified.

The key to rewriting my memory is feeling the emotions and then visualizing my presence, my wisdom, my maturity and reminding me I am not alone. I remind my little girl all I’ve learned as an adult. Yes, what I am experiencing is a real feeling and it is scary. It is also a gift I knew nothing about then but know a lot about now. I am okay. She is okay. Every time I flash on this stairwell, I will be there with her standing by her and explaining to her what I know.

I chose to pick a wisdom card from Keepers of the Light Oracle Cards by Kyle Gray. I opened the box and out fell one card – Serapis Bey.

“Serapis Bey is the light keeper in charge of ascension. He once served as a priest in Luxor, Egypt, helping those passing on to cross over into the light. Now he is a presence we can call on in order to ascend. Ascension means rising up … Serapis Bey can guide us from the lowest states of being back to the light. His energy is almost like that of a phoenix, giving us the support to move out of our own hell or darkness into a space that supports our growth.”
“The stars cannot shine without darkness. You may have experienced a low state of being, trauma or depression, but this is a new beginning. Become aware of growth. There is always room for improvement. There’s also a sense of presentation now. You may be receiving documentation or certification to acknowledge your growth or experience. It’s important to cherish this time and to realize that without the challenges or obstacles you have faced, you wouldn’t be as strong, powerful or focused as you are today. You are ascending personally and spiritually at this time and the Universe is here to support it.”

Participants’ Reflections:

  • The shared wisdom in this group is awe-inspiring

  • Thank you so much. That was such a powerful reading. We think our memories are fixed as we remember them, but we really only have the memory of the last time we accessed the memory. So we can actually change our memories. Going to that workshop with Jean Houston really affected me. She calls it time traveling. She took me back to a moment in my childhood where I felt that I wasn’t good enough and I was being berated by my parent. She helped me modify that memory so that my adult self was with my inner child. So now, every time I think of that memory, it isn’t the same. I am aware the strong loving adult, the strong loving parent is there with my child. The memory no longer has fear in it. It is time traveling and changing the past. It was powerful what you went through. Thank you for the reminder.

  • Thank you. I’m going to have to do the Jean Houston exercise. I had a traumatic experience with my father where I felt humiliated when I was about eight years old. It’s stayed with me ever since and affected my attitude towards money. In this group, we look to you for inspiration. I hope that you, in times of need, as you did today, reach out and share so that we can support you. It has to be reciprocal; otherwise, it’s a huge drain on you. We appreciate what you are doing.