I’ve been walking on edge for the past week feeling off. Simple tasks become laborious. There’s something bugging me and I don’t know what. I’ve given myself permission not to know. In the past, I have labeled these off feelings from stuff happening around me, but I know better now. I’m still not grasping my edginess, but one thing I know. Whether I understand or not, it moves forward and resolves eventually.
I read my body, observe my choices and reactions. I know when I react with fear, something has triggered my bigness. I review the past few days for a conversation or an activity that expanded my energy and find the culprit. I reacted to putting myself out there.
I’ve been clenching my teeth while sleeping which to me is the epitome of a juxtaposition. I am sleeping and tight. In hindsight the clenching has been going on over a week and I’ve ignored it. Yesterday morning, upon waking, I couldn’t.
I still don’t have answers but I believe they have something to do with my energy expanding. I feel through my life day to day. This meditation practice opens my heart every day and then I openly share my words and feelings. For over 300 days, I am definitely beyond boot camp into the fine-tuning part.
My energy is changing. I get scared. I give myself permission to continue and allow it to happen. I am safe. I can’t write when my heart is closed. I recognize the closed sign when I can’t function. This is the way I am, and I’m working on not pointing my bullying finger and announcing “failure”.
Yesterday, I allowed myself to let go, to cry, to sleep, to just be where I am, how I am without labeling. I let out all the tears; let out all the pain; let out all the fears, and exhaust my grip on my journey.
This silent meditation practice is a journey. I observe repeating patterns. I open, expand, soar, pull back, regroup, open, expand, soar, pull back regroup. Each time the stories differ but the patterns are the same. It all becomes familiar when I let go and regroup.
My interview is this week with the KPFK radio host from Los Angeles. I thought I was through my fear. Writing this morning helps me see I’ve found my hot spot.
Journaling is a wonderful practice because it allows my inside voice to be heard. I deserve to be heard no matter what I feel. I deserve to be listened to and who best to offer such respect and love? Myself!
The older I get, the stronger I am convinced life is about becoming my own best friend, a lover of my own heart, an advocate, a life coach, a problem solver, a great listener, a nurturer and the list lengthens as I experience life.
I’m learning to identify the parts of me that don’t support me and eventually they too join my support team. The grumbling faces and dark thoughts are all born out of fear for my well-being.
I’ve become a champion observer of me. I’m behind the two-way mirror watching my behaviors and reactions. I am not my ego. I am my Higher Self actively parenting my ego towards acceptance, respect, kindness, patience, understanding and love. I have the best teacher I could ask for. When in doubt, I turn towards an even higher authority. A Higher Power beyond my Higher Self. We’re all working on this project together.
Willing to experience aloneness,
I discover connection everywhere;
Turning to face my fear,
I meet the warrior who lives within;
Opening to my loss,
I gain the embrace of the universe;
Surrendering into emptiness,
I find fullness without end.
Each condition I flee from pursues me,