One of my favorite things to do is sit in silence in a dark room, no lights, no sound, just breath. There’s something comforting in the dark when I can sit with me. I haven’t always been comforted by this. Fears and thoughts would scream and rant through me even though I appeared calm.
All the years I battled with fear and anxiety were just practice. My daily practice was the inner chaos which held my intentions for solace but chaos seemed louder and stronger. I knew I wanted peace but couldn’t find it. I couldn’t find it yet because I was practicing.
Time to practice is not based on anyone’s timetable. It’s not based on the need to complete a task or achieve a goal. Practicing is on its own timetable, working its way slowly building up strength, perseverance and determination. Practice knows when it’s over and action begins.
Practice is wise. Practice is patient. Practice is an inner knowing.
Until I felt strong enough, courageous enough, ready enough to be with myself, I didn’t recognize my inner monsters were scared little fears; the rage was unheard feelings; my self-loathing thoughts were mimicking what I thought others were thinking, I had to keep practicing. I had to keep practicing until I was ready to stop resisting and surrender.
Some days I cry in the dark and it’s okay. Some days my mind is busy and it’s okay. It’s my time. It’s me time. I just knew it was time.
To all that is chaotic
in you, let there come silence.
Let there be a calming of the clamoring, a stilling of the voices that have laid their claim on you, that have made their home in you,
that go with you even to the holy places but will not let you rest, will not let you hear your life with wholeness or feel the grace that fashioned you.
Let what distracts you cease. Let what divides you cease. Let there come an end to what diminishes and demeans, and let depart all that keeps you in its cage.
Let there be an opening into the quiet that lies beneath the chaos, where you find the peace you did not think possible and see what shimmers within the storm.