For over 40 years I
was a caregiver
Setting myself aside
To care for others
As a mother
As a child
As a teacher
As a parent
I functioned
To serve those
Around me in need
Giving myself away
Even beyond my daughter’s illness
I was caregiving for a spouse
For my family of origin
And for my survival
My heart turned outward
Doing what I must
Blind to my neglected heart
I acted with intentions of love
As my walls of health broke down
And my personal limits beaten
I was cornered into seeing
My neglected heart
Slowly as I learn
Boundaries and reason
I discover it is never too late
To nurture myself back to whole
By defining what I need
And granting this gift
By defining my boundaries
When someone is reaching for my bliss
I am in charge
Of this neglected heart
Never anyone else
I create my boundaries
And define my limits
Never forgetting my-
Self in the corner
Never neglected any more
This fierceness I have developed
To fight for what is mine
My heart, my worth
My self-respect and my time
For truly without me present
With my heart and self-respect
I am but a shell providing
Support without a net
I look forward with gentleness
Accepting the lessons I’ve learned
Forgiving myself for forgetting
The who who must come first
This knowledge I have learned
From years of neglect
Now there is no doubt
I will never ever forget
I am the Lady in shining armor
I am the answer to my pleas
Never abandoning myself
I am present and there for me
Participants’ Reflections:
Anxious about grandkids coming next week. I’ve been quiet and alone for 4 months. I have to figure out how to cope. I’m thinking about how to care for self while they are here. It’s a whole new twist.
The reading spoke to me to think about how to care for myself.
Good reading. I am drained. It’s the nature of we what we do as women (and men). I have to think about what do I do to feed and nurture me. I’ve been stoic during this pandemic, and it is draining. I had a visit with my grandkids. I was mindful and it took more energy to be so. I meditated on the ocean, giving and taking. It was peaceful. Boundaries are a work in progress. The parameters are changing. Be gentle with myself. People have needs. It’s good to validate concerns and be mindful of the ways to take care of self.
This week was my annual college reunion and they went ahead with it. I wanted to go, but I was mindful to take care of my family first. I am sad to not be there. I am listening to my heart but miss my friends. Hopefully, my mind will align. It’s hard, listening to heart. I am prioritizing. I could feel the frustration yesterday.
I have to get back on track re the pandemic. I am forgetting about Covid. I have three kids, young adults. On Father’s Day, they wanted to go out to dinner. I wasn't thinking, celebrate and do for my daughter or social distance. I don’t need to people please and go along. My other daughter committed to a beach cleanup and I immediately agreed. Now I’m thinking of not joining in. Am I selfish? Do I put my own needs aside and do for family. Forgetting what is happening. I know I feel safe at home.
I hear you using mindfulness. I used to just put up with the pain of crossing a boundary. It takes courage to stand up for one’s needs and boundaries.
I’m bumping up against different cultures and the assumptions people make. I made a painful decision to cancel travel plans this summer. My philosophy is “if you can’t get out if it, get in it.” It is challenging, I want to engage with normal life.
Right. Who wants to experience yuck.
I am sad. My were planning a family reunion. I took stand against it.
You are modeling strength. It’s important to feel your feelings.
Many people are grieving. It wasn’t expected, this late in the pandemic. Many of us are older and grieving.
That's what prompted my reading on caregiving today. I am experiencing that same feeling of helplessness which a caregiver experiences. I used to try to take care of everyone to keep everyone safe. To care for self, I have to limit self. I am up against it. And when it’s too much, I go back to bed and cry for ten minutes and then face life again.
I’m reminded of the cup and saucer that Lisa Nichols talks about (see "Doing Service" blog post. When are you giving from the cup and when from the overflowing into the saucer? It’s just words. Putting it into practice is something else. How do you know the difference? I don’t know her. Meanwhile, next week, I am zoom bombing my mother’s friends, people I haven’t seen in five years. This whole new world we are in allows this type of joyous connection to be created.