My Demanding Knot

I have this unsettling knot in my stomach that comes and goes. It dissipates when I am focused on a task, embroiled in emotions, lost in a movie, eases up when my thoughts are busy. I don’t know what the knot represents.

Maybe it’s the pandemic times.

Maybe it’s a habit of worry.

Maybe it’s my way of reminding myself I’m not in control.

Next directions, next steps are swirling around me. Expectations lay heavy as I manipulate them into expectancies. My physical wants turn over into acceptance. My need to be in control I surrender.

And yet I am left with my knot. What is it I am wanting? What is it I am feeling? I don’t have the answers. I struggle with forming the questions.

Daily I let go. Daily I bring in gentleness and warmth that holds me wherever I am. My mind wants to know where I am going, what I am doing, what will be happening. I wish I had the answers for this demanding knot. I accept.

Life Breathes Me by Danna Faulds

It sometimes feels like

leaping off a cliff simply

to stay present with

what is. Practice shifts

and shapes me, shaves

off my roughest edges,

illumines the dark places.

As my focus of awareness

shifts, life breathes me,

and energy is freed to

heal even the most

hopeless rifts.

“This is what I have to say to you. In the first stage of your journey you learned to replace harmful beliefs with helpful ones. It was such a relief to let go of negativity that it became a temptation to stay there – to make your home in those newly acquired positive thoughts. But a positive self image is still a mask. The next stage of your journey is becoming comfortable with the unknown. It involves being clear and courageous enough to rest in bare awareness without having to create another identity, without needing to tack yet another belief to the end of “I am.”’
“Experience the expansion, the spaciousness that comes from resting in the truth of unknowing. It isn’t comfortable, at least not now, but it is powerful and inherently creative. It’s what your soul longs for. Use the sense of vertigo to leave behind the known, and let go of the need to tether your soul to anything solid or definable. Let yourself go, over and over, until it is second nature to be weightless.” --Danna Faulds

Participants’ Reflections:

  • Thank you so much for the reading. I have been with you since day one and that was my favorite reading. It spoke to me. It touched me very deeply. I can’t talk about it yet. I’m just feeling it. I feel like there is a journey there for me with this particular reading.

  • I really appreciated the reading. In particular, the unsettling knot image which is something I really experience on and off throughout my life. Usually I experience it at 3 or 4 AM when I wake up. My narrative is that something is scaring me. Through the years, I’ve done many things with no real awareness of what it is in me. I can relax, I can be gentle, all of those things are good, and it is still there. It comes as a way to remind me of some pieces in my life that I need to be more present with. But I don’t know. When am I going to learn? At the same time, it was freeing and hopeful that I don’t know. And it leaves me where I always am. That’s a good awareness. During the mediation, I was trying to be present with the knot and explore it, what would it be like to surrender to it? Then I would get distracted in my thinking. I was identifying in a little d