Moving Into More Love


Standing in front of a mirror I ask myself who is observing? Is it my ego? How does my hair look? Do my eyes look puffy? How’s my scar look on my cheek?


Is it my heart speaking? How present am I in gazing into my eyes? Can you see my inside pain?


Is it my soul speaking? I am. I am truth. I am love. I am the totality of all my lessons. I am steady and true.


On this journey into myself, I shed; I mourn; I release; I redefine; I open; I become; I understand; I am.


A journey forgiving myself; a journey gentling myself; a journey of discovery; a journey of letting go; a journey of compassion; a journey finding wholeness.


The first time I experienced a letting go of me I thought I was dying. Thoughts of my demise kept surfacing. When I am gone … will they miss me… am I really ready to leave… how will my daughter survive? Unbidden thoughts planning my funeral, managing my estate papers, and above all else, a deep, mournful sadness that life is over.


I had to carefully figure out who I could share these thoughts with. Certainly not my daughter. Not my sisters. Not anyone who would react to my leaving. I was bursting with sadness that this is it. The countdown began. I don’t know how it will happen, but it’s time.

What a profound experience feeling my toes curl around the edge of my life, knowing a step off will be the end of me. I was surprised when I woke up. I landed on my feet in my same body with an awareness something just happened. Part of me died.


This year, I have had three different experiences of this type, the strongest one being just a few weeks ago. I think I wept on and off for a good week. This must really be it this time. I felt like the old depression I fought against for years returned. A mournful filter filled my being. As I spoke with people, I wept on the inside as I said my silent goodbyes. I clung to my spouse knowing we’re getting close to the end of our beautiful time together. She holds a purple heart for weathering my spiritual journey.


My spiritual teacher, Matt Kahn, had an evening event on Saturday. He shared his experience just a few days before of feeling the deep call to say goodbye. He paced around his house feeling the end of his life. He described his experience, started making plans to say goodbye to his family and then felt the urgency there is no time. The time is now. As he recited his experience, tears flowed down his cheeks as he described standing in front of his bathroom mirror facing his death. His mind listing all the things he still wanted to do and see in his life in his body and with acceptance and exhaustion, he went to bed and accepted his fate.


The wisdom of my soul witnesses the struggle of my humanness. I observe my personality from my soul’s point of view. I witness my memories. I witness my habits and tendencies all born from my experiences and lessons on earth. Through silence, I can discern my soul from my heart from my ego. As I practice the separateness grows into trust.


Parts of my personality no longer serve me. Some core beliefs have an expiration date. It is time for them to die. Parts of me died this week.


We live in a death phobic society where death is not openly talked about. Death is part of living. I lived through my experience of dying. I will do it again. The next time hopefully my ego will stay calmer and not freak out and jump to fear and panic. Next time maybe my ego will remember there is no death. There is only movement into more love. Maybe that’s really the mystery of life. Move into more love. What a profound thought.



Weather

by Steve Kanji Ruhl (from