The combination of increased solitude and lessened busy-ness in my life, and the discipline of morning meditation has led me to having more conversations with myself. Throughout the emptier days, I return to the spacious meditation room, and words and thoughts mumble around in my mind, like the smooth round rocks churned by the waves at the ocean’s edge. Sometimes I find myself hung up on a thought, substituting and rolling words around until I get to the essence. Or mulling over experiences that I can shrink down into a simple phrase.
About a year ago, our day-to-day lives were suddenly changed, and everyday habits had to be abandoned. Immediately noticeable was losing the convenience of running into stores when a need pops up. All of a sudden, it was a challenging experience, and many of us just stayed out of stores. So, much to my delight, the duct tape fixed the cracked watering can, a back corner of a closet had some long unused wrapping paper, and long underwear and heavy sweaters that I hadn’t worn for years were discovered. I didn’t need new stuff. Shopping behavior now included some stockpiling and sticking to necessities. Fewer trips and fewer temptations. When I asked myself “Do I HAVE enough?” the answer was often Yes. It was surprising how well I could get along with so few trips to stores.
I sometimes had dark thoughts, of getting really sick and going to the hospital and not coming home. Aside from that, at age 79, who knows how many years I have ahead of me. Financially, I’ve saved well and don’t have a lavish life style. So I thought about my first question, and changed a couple of letters of a word, and asked myself “Do I GIVE enough?” It has always been true, but especially now, that there are so many people who are having a hard time getting by. Even my own son. So the answer to that question was No—and I’m happily taking more action—contributing more to food pantries and organizations, and pushing beyond some hurdles so that I can relieve my son of some financial burden. And, aside from financial considerations, I’ve tried to be continually supportive and compassionate to family and friends and acquaintances—but I question is there ever ENOUGH of that kind of giving in this world. So the answer to my second question, Do I GIVE enough, is always NO.
Changing a couple of letters again, my third question formed: “Do I LOVE enough”. Who/what do I Love? The obvious, family and friends. My cats (although they are all in the past), my home, my indoor plants, my yard. The butterflies and moths that I monitor and that I raise and that I educate people about. The tastes, the sounds, the sights in my everyday life. The past, the present, the future. So much to love, so much I am blessed with. So the answer to this question could be Yes—except that the scope of the Love that radiates out has no boundaries, is limitless. How can I show the love that I feel? How can I DO the love that I feel? If I love the woods, if I love the fresh air, if I love all the creatures, if I love this planet, what am I doing to keep it healthy? So in different spheres of my life, the answer to this question, Do I LOVE enough, is Never Enough.
So, three life questions: Do I HAVE enough? Do I GIVE enough? Do I LOVE enough?
On the other side of this pandemic, we will have changed. Unforeseen tragedies and joys will have affected us. We will be sadder, happier, wiser, and stronger. Oh, and one more word change, with a question I can ask myself every day: “Do I LIVE enough?”
These few words are enough
If not these words, this breath
If not this breath, this sitting here
Opening to the life I have refused again and again
It is not enough to know
It is not enough to follow
the inward road conversing in secret
It is not enough to see straight ahead
To gaze at the unborn
thinking the silence belongs to you
It is not enough to hear
even the tiniest edge of rain
You must go to the place
where everything waits,
there, when you finally rest,
even one word will do,
one word, or the palm of your hand
in the gesture of gift.
And now we are truly afraid
to find the great silence
asking so little.
One word…one word only
That was beautiful - I'll be asking myself those questions the rest of the day - and my life.
Thank you so much. I want to share it with a circle of women I meet with. It has a huge range. What it did for me, when you think of those four words—having, giving, loving, living—to me, it matched my bloodstream of why we are here. I want to live in the last section in my reentry into the external world after this pandemic. It was moving, very rich. I want to thank you.
I loved the simplicity of what you said. I think of the transformations I’ve seen in this group as we speak. We are learning and giving to each other. It’s like the life of a butterfly. So thank you.
It sent me down the road of opposites, how we are whole but broken, how we are the same but unique, how we are not enough but we are enough. So, thank you. We are all together but separate. Thank you everyone.
Thank you. I really thought it was powerful. I’ve never phrased questions like that for myself. I do ask questions, but I don’t put it into the context of now and in this moment. It was real and rich. Something that will stay with me.
I liked the phrase about condensing your thoughts into a brief package, shrinking thoughts down into a simple phrase.