When I was a little girl, I slept in a twin bed in a room with my older sister on the top floor of a two-story house. I remember staring at the corner of the ceiling and finding myself up there in that top corner, peering down at myself in bed. I felt free and curious. It was my first out-of-body experience of many.
Yesterday I visited my daughter and her family. My grandchildren were so happy in preparation for a week-long camping trip. We sorted and packed and prepped and played. I was present with them and yet in my heart, memories were everywhere of camping trips and years of school and summers and teething and bad dreams and lots of difficulties with my daughter’s health, heartache and hope, trauma and reparation, my mind always problem solving how to be present for my children to help them have a childhood unlike mine.
There’s no normal now. I went home. They left this morning moving onward in their lives in this next vacation chapter. My role has changed dramatically and yet the memories are alive inside. How do I let go? How do I step into my present role? What do I do with the wants for them when they have expired?
I have followed my heart all through my tumultuous years of parenting and my career and my friends and my gender outing and my relationships. I have always chosen what feels right. I know the importance of learning from every situation, good and bad. I know and yet as I stand at the edge, how do I let go? Is this why people change their name after they embark on their crossroad?
I’ve been thinking about rituals and the acknowledgement of a transition. I want to explore my options. I don’t want to sit with my head in my hands at the corner of what was and what is any more. I imagine I can move forward with my memory gems nestled in my heart, my skills of life learning and the gifts I continue to understand and step into who I already am and always wanted to be.
The Power of the Crone by Alla Renee Bozarth
She enacts and teaches the truth — embracing the blessing of limitation she accepts Life’s new gift of freedom, she discovers her power to choose, to say a Positive No to the things she doesn’t want to do — She focuses on what matters most in her life, letting go of the excesses that drain her energies, she practices tender loving detachment as she discerns or confirms Where Home Is Where She Belongs What Her Heart’s Desire Is And What She Cherishes Most and embraces them and herself to the Full. This poem is from the book Accidental Wisdom by Alla Renée Bozarth, iUniverse copyright 2003. All Rights Reserved. https://allabozarthwordsandimages.blogspot.com/
I’ve had trouble sleeping. So I’ve been doing yardwork to tire myself. The reading reminded me I have the opportunity to do a lot of work. I’m now doing yardwork for friends. I’m excited.
The reading reminded me of letting go of roles, like the archetype of mother. Switching to an adult relationship with children is a challenge. It’s hard, I’m used to teaching them and sharing my values. I’m surprised when they voice different values. What was I thinking, that I would raise mini-me’s? It’s fun now, we gather on zoom every two weeks.
Welcome crone. What I found helpful to prepare for crone years was a workbook written by 3 women. The work culminates with a croning ceremony. Letting go is the name of the game.
We spoke of Hecate a couple of days ago (see July 17 blog). I have a history with Hecate. I’ve been through a croning ceremony. Today I picked a card and I chanted goddess names. I was left with Hecate. Her energy scares me a bit. But I realized it was good and I surrendered to her energy, channeling her energy.
It’s amazing the journey we can take in these 15 minutes of meditation.
During the meditation, I sat with a friend who passed. I remember when she channeled Hecate.