As I slowly came to realize over time

How important it is for me to figure out what I want,

I felt like I was living in a murky world

With everything defined by what I don’t want.

I couldn’t see through the muddy water.

I felt like I was reacting and reflecting

Life as it was around me.

I was a stranger to myself.

Clarity came slowly with my intentions

To figure out what I liked.

No one had asked me before

Until I posed the question to myself

I believe I truly woke up in the hospital

Standing in the hallway in ICU

With my daughter’s abdominal surgery behind us

The gaggle of doctors listing options

I didn’t know I wasn’t present.

I couldn’t afford to hide any more.

Cloaked in my fears and shyness

My eyes were opened

The answers were hidden in my solar plexus

What felt right; what felt wrong.

Nothing was easy at first

As I followed and began to trust myself.

I see myself as a barometer

With my solar plexus as a gauge

Guiding me with discernment

Scanning for my truth

Over time I discovered the filters

Of fear creep in fogging up my discernment

when I pay attention to other truths

and ignore my heart

Honesty builds slowly as I get to know myself

Honesty is my friend most of the time