As I slowly came to realize over time
How important it is for me to figure out what I want,
I felt like I was living in a murky world
With everything defined by what I don’t want.
I couldn’t see through the muddy water.
I felt like I was reacting and reflecting
Life as it was around me.
I was a stranger to myself.
Clarity came slowly with my intentions
To figure out what I liked.
No one had asked me before
Until I posed the question to myself
I believe I truly woke up in the hospital
Standing in the hallway in ICU
With my daughter’s abdominal surgery behind us
The gaggle of doctors listing options
I didn’t know I wasn’t present.
I couldn’t afford to hide any more.
Cloaked in my fears and shyness
My eyes were opened
The answers were hidden in my solar plexus
What felt right; what felt wrong.
Nothing was easy at first
As I followed and began to trust myself.
I see myself as a barometer
With my solar plexus as a gauge
Guiding me with discernment
Scanning for my truth
Over time I discovered the filters
Of fear creep in fogging up my discernment
when I pay attention to other truths
and ignore my heart
Honesty builds slowly as I get to know myself
Honesty is my friend most of the time