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Fear and Desire

I have a secret life of dread. I feel dread because of my deepest fear of not being safe and never being good enough; both fears I have carried since my childhood. I’m not proud to admit such emotions. I hide them well.

It is so easy for others to offer help when they hear my struggles, often suggesting I shouldn’t feel that way or listing all the ways they admire me, hoping I will ultimately feel better. What they don’t realize is I can’t hear what they are saying because I am too busy shaming myself for my struggles.

I pray for help from Spirit. My prayer is pleading for help mostly. More and more, as I go through my early 70’s, I’m stepping out into the public eye expressing my strong opinions, demonstrating my personal power, and offering healing, skills I have learned or re-learned after years of latency.

I forget I am a spiritual being in a human body. The human world is so demanding, taxing, unforgiving, loud and brassy. My self-image as a 70-year-old lesbian is always challenged when I am in public with my short gray hair.

The collective unconscious is terrified as change is happening on every level. Everyone’s emotions are stressed, unbalanced and desperate to find calm ground to exist on. We are fooling ourselves if we think others have life figured out. We are all connected no matter the circumstances. We are one.

I am a spiritual being. I am spirit. I am a human being. I am a spirit in a human body. I forget I am spirit and get caught up in being human 24/7.

I was guided to re-read Ellen Tadd’s book on The Infinite View – A Guide for Life on Earth.

She has a chapter on fear and desire. She encouraged the reader to discover their deepest fear, following through the fears back to the deepest. My deepest fear is not being good enough and not being safe.

Spirit helped her discover there is a deep correlation between one’s deepest fear and their deepest desire. My deepest desire is to be of service without the self-inflicting judgement I constantly put on myself, always representing my fears. My deepest desire is to be free to be me. To feel joy. To just be without the inner voice reminding me of my low worth.

Ellen Tadd writes, the antidote Spirit recommends is to remind myself I am Spirit and therefore, I am safe. I am Spirit and therefore, I am good. Remind myself of these thoughts when I feel the fear, creating a polarizing remedy for the twisted dread at the other end of the spectrum.

I am Spirit and therefore, I am good.

I am Spirit and therefore, I am safe.

I am Spirit and therefore, I am safe. I am Spirit and therefore, I am good.

There is a inner calming when I repeat these words.

I work hard finding joy in my life. I want joy in working hard. We all deserve joy without drawing on the outside of ourselves to find it.

I am Spirit and therefore, I am good.

I am Spirit and therefore, I am safe.

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