Recently a friend of ours, in her quest to educate and share her love for Monarch butterflies, gifted my wife and I twelve chrysalises, the little green pods decorated with the delicate golden thread encircling the tops. They hung from a mesh screen in a plastic container. Safe inside their chrysalis shells, they slowly transform to emerge into the world as a beautiful Monarch butterfly.
I found myself in a similar cocoon as of August 1st disappearing from my outer world taking the time I needed to listen and recover from 500 days of public meditation in my beloved community.
I was guided to start the meditation community in March of 2020, and I was guided to step back a year and a half later. I’ve learned to cooperate. In early July, I made the announcement and felt the ground quake. Yes, change is hard. Yes, I resisted along with everyone else. Yes, I am surviving.
Not coincidentally, this change coincided with the onset of my grieving time at the end of July. Seven years ago, my 32 y/o daughter made her transition after a lifelong battle with liver disease. She is my teacher. Her human struggle to accept and surrender to her disease was compacted into 32 years as I mothered her. Our whole family suffered along with her with the ups and downs, the insatiable desire to be normal and the tragic profound realization the disease was never going away.
I traveled this road with her every step of the way with no regrets. I gave all of me away to help her survive to the point of making myself ill. I had to learn to survive and take care of me in order to be there for her. I entered my own battle finding my worth based on her worth.
I found allies along the way in the form of Dr. Susan Jeffers, author of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. Another ally is my voice that bloomed into a self-expression that allowed me to speak on behalf of those differented by illness and disability. I advocated for caregivers by advocating for myself. I surrendered to silence because the noise became too loud. I honed my outsides, coaxing them inside where I reparented my hurts and found my abandoned child. I authored my experiences to share with others struggling on a similar path. My voice grew in strength. My core energy found home and I rose to inner heights proving to me there is more to this world than just us humans. I embrace my skills as a psychic medium, having run from them for over 25 years.
Now I walk hand in hand with myself. I found my inner light. I am a spiritual being in a human body. I remember to look within when I lose my way, as I’ll do again and again because I am human.
A mentor recently reminded me to call on a nurturing presence, however I define that presence in my life. My childhood experiences did not model a nurturing presence. As an adult, I cultivated a nurturing presence of feeling loved, comforted and safe. I welcome the comfort.
So, inside the tiny chrysalis pod, a transformation is happening that I can’t see until the outside shell starts changing. The chrysalis has an innate sense and direction, much like the soul. An emergence into magnificence.
It is such a privilege to witness an innocent being named Monarch butterfly, explore its surroundings, strengthen its wings and prepare for flight.
The beautiful butterfly knows when it’s time. I open the container, coax it onto my finger and patiently hold it until it is ready. Feeling like a feather on my finger, I offer its first experience with love and safety as I feel its reluctant first step to freedom. Then suddenly it’s aloft and free.
I am still discovering my wings. I lift my face to the sky, feel my wholeness despite the heaviness of the times. I am so grateful for the beautiful meditation community around me and welcome their smiling faces in my life.
Equally so, I welcome my smiling face in the mirror. I am whole. I am breathing and I am one with spirit. It’s my honor to walk among us humans, knowing I am so much more.
Photo credit: Kathy Servian