Comfort in My Process

I don’t like being misunderstood. My self esteem and confidence seem to leak out the bottoms of my shoes when a comment is made that completely misses the gist of my sentiment. Who is it I am trying to impress?

I have had a lifelong relationship with misunderstanding. As a child, being misunderstood meant judgment and punishment. As a young adult, misunderstood meant waste of time, hurt and end of relationship. After years of practice, my voice has grown louder. I stand straighter and stronger.

I’m still practicing using my voice to represent the essence of me. Some days I am strong, articulate and direct. Other days I am challenged and triggered by the world around me, and hear the still small voice in hiding.

I am a work in progress.

I realize it is all about safety – feeling safe in an unsafe world. As I continue to build the strong foundation I stand on, my safety is less an issue. I abandon myself less. I trust myself more. I am listening for what I need and providing it if I can. Yet there are times I feel the yank in my stomach when someone responds to me completely missing my intent.

I get to choose my reaction now. I can assess whether it’s worth the effort to express my intent standing on my soapbox or let it go and know I am okay. I am safe. I am safe.

I take it one step further still—I offer me comfort when I feel the yank.

Comforting the yank is a recipe only I can create. Patience lines the basket along with sounds that ease me and colors that soothe. Warmth comes in from a soft blanket and above all else a soft loving presence. Sometimes it’s my bed; sometimes it’s the couch; sometimes it’s a book; sometimes it’s a walk.

I’m still practicing my voice to represent the essence of me. My voice has grown louder. I stand straighter and stronger. I am in process in my progress.

"at some point you have to sit with yourself and learn who you are. you have to take responsibility for the way you’ve been treating yourself and the way you’ve allowed others to break you down. you have to go back to wherever you abandoned your love for self - thinking that someone’s love for you is more important than your own - and pick you back up! you have to ask yourself, “why do I treat others better than I treat my own self?” then you have to accept yourself.. because at the end of the day, the only person who’s forced to deal with the broken pieces of you, is you. don’t fault yourself for any of the past - just accept who you are today. accept your truths, your hurt, and your heart. and finally, you have to love YOU. love every piece of you - and never ever let anyone come in and damage you again. Heal your heart and Protect yourself better." Reyna Biddy, from Read Poetry

Participants’ Reflections:

  • Thank you. I really liked the line “I am in process in my progress.” I usually don’t hear those two words together, but it made me stop and think in my meditation. If I am in process, I am not doing all the work. I am present, I am engaged, I am surrendering or I am working hard at it. But it is all of that together. I am participating, I am in process in my progress. Progress is with achieving, you are pushing, setting goals, achieving, making progress. I like to think that it’s all of those things that make our progress.

  • Thank you. I get infuriated when I feel misunderstood or not heard. One of the things that has helped me is the Four Agreements. One of them says to be impeccable with your word, and say what you mean. I used to think people would know what I meant. I’ve been learning to speak up about what I need and how I feel. I’ve had this voice condition for 25 years and that’s been a process for me. Another agreement is to not make assumptions. That one is huge because I would assume people are doing things or are hurting me because of some reason. I learned to ask questions to avoid that misunderstanding. I love those. Another one is always do your best. My best changes when I’m feeling good. Like you said, I can get triggered and those feelings can ooze out. I can be hard on myself. Always do our best. It’s a process. It’s nice to have a safe place to process.

  • Thank you so much. That was powerful. It got me thinking and it describes my process of learning to love myself and accept myself over the last many years. I always wanted someone to take care of me. I had to learn to take care of myself through therapy. I’m facing tomorrow. It’s the first Thanksgiving I can do whatever I want. I’m in charge of my dinner. It’s a novel idea to me. I’ve always let other people take care of me. I will make Thanksgiving the way I want it. It’s different, it’s good for me. Taking care of myself and the choices I want. Put effort into it, an intent of being loving towards myself and taking care of myself. I deserve it.

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