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Carrying On

Okay. So, yesterday, something scribbled out my light--a black marker mars my sight. How am I supposed to see my way through this murky world? I guess I’ve got a new companion, this scribble on my view. I’m not ready to welcome it in.

Life can throw a curveball so fast and hard, it takes time to assimilate. I didn’t ask for this, nor did my daughter ask for her liver disease, nor did anyone walking around with a handicap. Life is hard and then the curveball hits right in the stomach and we assimilate.

I catapulted into doctors probing and front desks planning and waiting rooms holding backward chairs and masked stares. Walking through hospital doors are triggering. It would have been helpful to hear a warning bell to steady myself against my hidden triggers.

All is well, I’m told. No detached retina but they don’t know why my light has been scribbled upon. Go home and assimilate.

I’m thinking of the blessings I have in life, like the fact I still have vision in both eyes. And the love around me. And the community I’m in. and I don’t struggle to thrive any more. And my connection to higher dimensions. Yes, I am blessed.

So, it’s important for me to let this new “friend” accompany me on my journey and sit with me on my ride. This scribble is a reminder of my blessings and my lessons, keeping a perspective behind my scribble and in front of it too.

And the triggers that visit unannounced, I am reminded they are not monsters lurking to pounce but wounds deep set in my journey. Memories of trauma that hold other lessons I’m still sorting out and gleaning their meaning.

Bottom line is I am okay with my ranting. I am okay with my fears. I am okay with my triggers. I am okay with my scribble. Being authentic means accepting myself where I am. Being authentic means no more hiding my insides from my outsides. Being authentic means loving myself wherever I am. Truth abides in my landscape. Dignity is my skyline and I adapt as I know how and carry on.

When everything else shifts and seems to threaten our stability, our heart, our still small center, holds true.” - Ancelin Wolfe

Participants Reflections:

  • Thank you so much for sharing. I know when something has changed in my body, I’ve gotten into tremendous fear. I’ve learned from you to not project all this into the future, not wish things were back the way they were in the past. To stay in the present. Things can change and all will be well. I’ve learned that my body adapts. I had a scary thing happen to my eye and the doctors did what they could, and my eyes adapted. Things happen. We don’t want them but we get to love them as they come into our lives. I will keep breathing today.

  • I will adapt. I adapted to the floaters that came after my cataract surgery. I will adapt. And my brain will learn to look around it and my headaches will go away. I will adapt.

  • I’m reminded of an old Chinese fable. A man goes to a sage and says “I’m tired of my little place where I live. There’s not enough room. Tell me what to do.” The sage tells him to invite his cousins in. So the man does and he’s not happy about it. He goes back to the sage and says, “It’s not working. What should I do?” The sage tells him to invite his neighbors in. The man complies and is more upset. He goes back to the sage who tells him to invite more people in. The man is more upset and goes to the sage who tells him invite more people. At his wits end, he goes back to the sage and says “I cannot deal with this anymore. What should I do?” The sage tells him to tell everyone to leave. The man goes home and kicks everyone out. And he sits down in his house and realizes he has so much room and is grateful.

  • It brings up fear for me again, because we all fear what we don’t know and we all fear how we are going to adapt. Just know that you will with your strength that you’ve had all along. So it goes. You can spend time crying about it and that’s okay too.

  • I’m sending you positive thoughts. My neighbors have a new puppy and the puppy got loose and was playing keep away. It reminds me of this. When we aren’t accepting, we are running away from things. I’ve had some issues with breathing for the last few months. The treatment was worse. I saw a naturopath and am working with her. Long term, I may have to accept some limitations and that’s hard. But instead of looking for the causes, I went to an acceptance state to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with it. That didn’t work. It’s like accepting where you are at the time which is difficult. I think it’s the only way to move forward by accepting and moving forward.

  • And not being hard on myself. It reminds me of my father saying, “Just shut up and deal with it.” That doesn’t work for me. I have to do it gently and like you said, with acceptance. Treat it like another friend. It’s another friend in my circle. I like the image of the puppy running away.

  • I think of people with blindness issues. And I’m grateful I can see. I just have to accept seeing with crap in front of me, and to relabel that word.

  • I looked forward to being with this community and before I wrote, I was trying to figure out how I could be without being who I was. I listened to Matt Kahn who spoke about being authentic on the outside and the inside. And that I’m not doing myself any favors if I pretend I am not where I am. I trust this community. We’ve been doing this for over a year. We go up and down, in and out. We deal, we cry, we laugh. It’s part of the journey. I figured I’d wing it and be who I am.

  • I think you are seeing very clearly for all of us, and we thank you for that.

  • Thank you so much. I want to share a dream I had. I’ve been working with my dreams. In this dream, I was the age I am right now. I was so excited, I was going to audition to be a cheerleader. I couldn’t wait to try out. I could jump really high. I could do flips and cartwheels. Then it occurred to me that I would have to do arm movements and I have a lot of shoulder pain. In my mind, I could still jump and wow, this is real and I don’t think I can do this. I did not try out. I realized that wasn’t the best thing I could do for my body. But what I was able to do, working with the dream, was tap into all that energy of being a cheerleader and sit with that part of myself. It was good, a helpful thing to do. I was sitting with my limitations and feeling that young body and what that felt like. I wanted to share that. That was helpful to me. It’s like welcoming in the reality and being with the duality that we have in all different ways.

  • What just came to me was how several renowned pianists over the years have had physical things happen to them so that they are reduced to playing with one hand. They’ve done marvelous stuff and, in some cases, eventually regained the use of both hands. I’ve heard the music. It’s very ennobling. People can work with their circumstances.

  • It’s a good reminder. I’d like to believe that they were impacted by the change, reacted with the reality and fight against it moving eventually into acceptance. Patience is part of the process.

  • Thank you. When things come up at least three times, you know this is exactly the right path. Last Monday, I was on a call about Frances Weller’s Five Gates of Grief. The second gate of grief has to do with unloved places in you. It hit me. I remember when I decided to be a good girl and not cause my mother any trouble who was busy with my sister’s medical condition. I decided to be a good girl, that meant trying to be perfect and not being who I was. That was over 60 years ago. I’ve spent my life being this good girl and striving to be this perfect person. The impact of that is that I haven’t been me. The loss of that many years of being someone other than who I am. I’ve taken so many classes and heard over and over how important self-love is. It goes in at a really surface level. And yet, this time it really got to me. I’m in a group doing soul collaging and that too is about taking off the mask and quit hiding who I think I should be. And then you read what you shared today. Within a week’s time, it seems to be pounding me over the head to be who I am and love myself and take the mask off. That’s were I am. I wasn’t going to say anything but I decided whatever came out was what needed to be said.

  • Letting the guard down, I know that feeling, it’s really scary. I can almost see my eyes big in wonder about what’s going to happen now. When I control then I know what’s coming and prepare myself. Thank you. That was very powerful.

  • Being yourself 100% and trusting us here. It’s because of who you are and how honest you are and letting that out. It’s been one of the most important things in my life. Over the years, difficult things have happened to me. I’ve had therapists giving me little pieces that have helped. But nothing like this, and it’s given me so much relief within. Thank you for all of that. You are a blessed little sweet pea. We’re talking about our bodies changing. I’ve noticed that. I’m trying to not be fearful about what I’m going to find out about my heart. Some of the tests use dye which I’m frightened of because of my chemical sensitives. I try not to think about it too much until I know more. It’s hard when our bodies change, especially in our age group. That’s when it starts failing. Our bodies keep up for a while and then it says, okay, here’s all the years you were under stress or worked too hard. Thank you.

  • That’s one of my go-to things that I am trying to not go to. This is not a punishment. I did the best I could through all the years with all the stress. It doesn’t mean that I’m paying for it now with punishment. It is what it is. I accept it where it is and I will adapt. As my friend, who is a Laughter Yoga instructor, says ‘ho-ho ha-ha-ha’ at life and all that happens. She lives in my head. I say we all take a moment and say in whatever voice we have. HO-HO HA-HA-HA.

  • Thank you for ‘HO-HO’ ‘HA-HA-HA’. Thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your words. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your pain which is your wisdom. I hope you have a blessed day.

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