Blessing my Doubts

I’ve been scared away by life again. Two steps forward, one step back. I am amazed when life takes a turn, the spotlight shines directly me, and I run and hide. It’s an old pattern, a pattern that rears its familiar head and defines my feelings of indifference this morning. I feel lost.

A simple conversation with a Los Angeles radio host wants to do a feature story on my life. Just listening to him explain his ideas sends a delighted giggle up my throat and almost becomes a sound. It’s exciting. I quietly slam my hand over my mouth and maintain control. I hope I sound intelligent. My head is spinning and my thoughts are racing.

Two steps forward, one step back. The swirling questions and confused answers. Where did I go? I awake this morning with a pall of indifference hanging over me and I feel lost. No inspiration. No peace. Just clouds.

Aahh, but I know this story. I am hiding. I am overwhelmed.

Why does my humanness have to interfere with my happiness? I am the little girl stumbling in life and I am the mentor grounded in wisdom. Is the key to feeling empowered in forgetting my past? Is my inner power infused in my wounds and scars?

I know this story. I’m wandering in my doubt and fear. I’ve bought into my less-than thinking but this is a shroud to keep me small, to keep me contained, to keep me safe. And I am safe. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be all I am. I deserve to be free.

I am all my life experiences both good and bad. I am richer for my losses. I am wiser for my missteps. I open to infinite possibilities and this is the frosting on my cake. I am right where I am supposed to be and I breathe in peace. I have lived my story. I am here for me. I am present. I am ready.


I wonder if the sun debates dawn

some mornings

not wanting to rise

out of bed

from under the down-feather horizon

if the sky grows tired

of being everywhere at once

adapting to the mood

swings of the weather

if clouds drift off

trying to hold themselves together

make deals with gravity

to loiter a little longer

I wonder if rain is scared

of falling

if it has trouble

letting go

if snowflakes get sick

of being perfect all the time

each one

trying to be one-of-a-kind

I wonder if stars wish

upon themselves before they die

if they need to teach their young

how to shine

I wonder if shadows long

to just-for-once feel the sun

if they get lost in the shuffle

not knowing where they’re from

I wonder if sunrise

and sunset

respect each other

even though they’ve never met

if volcanoes get stressed

if storms have regrets

if compost believes in life

after death

I wonder if breath ever thinks of suicide

if the wind just wants to sit

still sometimes

and watch the world pass by

if smoke was born

knowing how to rise

if rainbows get shy back stage

not sure if their colors match right

I wonder if lightning sets an alarm clock

to know when to crack

if rivers ever stop

and think of turning back

if streams meet the wrong sea

and their whole lives run off-track

I wonder if the snow

wants to be black

if the soil thinks she’s too dark

if butterflies want to cover up their marks

if rocks are self-conscious of their weight

if mountains are insecure of their strength

I wonder if waves get discouraged

crawling up the sand

only to be pulled back again

to where they began

if land feels stepped upon

if sand feels insignificant

if trees need to question their lovers

to know where they stand

if branches waver at the crossroads

unsure of which way to grow

if the leaves understand they’re replaceable

and still dance when the wind blows

I wonder

where the moon goes

when she is in hiding