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Blessing my Doubts

I’ve been scared away by life again. Two steps forward, one step back. I am amazed when life takes a turn, the spotlight shines directly me, and I run and hide. It’s an old pattern, a pattern that rears its familiar head and defines my feelings of indifference this morning. I feel lost.

A simple conversation with a Los Angeles radio host wants to do a feature story on my life. Just listening to him explain his ideas sends a delighted giggle up my throat and almost becomes a sound. It’s exciting. I quietly slam my hand over my mouth and maintain control. I hope I sound intelligent. My head is spinning and my thoughts are racing.

Two steps forward, one step back. The swirling questions and confused answers. Where did I go? I awake this morning with a pall of indifference hanging over me and I feel lost. No inspiration. No peace. Just clouds.

Aahh, but I know this story. I am hiding. I am overwhelmed.

Why does my humanness have to interfere with my happiness? I am the little girl stumbling in life and I am the mentor grounded in wisdom. Is the key to feeling empowered in forgetting my past? Is my inner power infused in my wounds and scars?

I know this story. I’m wandering in my doubt and fear. I’ve bought into my less-than thinking but this is a shroud to keep me small, to keep me contained, to keep me safe. And I am safe. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be all I am. I deserve to be free.

I am all my life experiences both good and bad. I am richer for my losses. I am wiser for my missteps. I open to infinite possibilities and this is the frosting on my cake. I am right where I am supposed to be and I breathe in peace. I have lived my story. I am here for me. I am present. I am ready.

I wonder if the sun debates dawn

some mornings

not wanting to rise

out of bed

from under the down-feather horizon

if the sky grows tired

of being everywhere at once

adapting to the mood

swings of the weather

if clouds drift off

trying to hold themselves together

make deals with gravity

to loiter a little longer

I wonder if rain is scared

of falling

if it has trouble

letting go

if snowflakes get sick

of being perfect all the time

each one

trying to be one-of-a-kind

I wonder if stars wish

upon themselves before they die

if they need to teach their young

how to shine

I wonder if shadows long

to just-for-once feel the sun

if they get lost in the shuffle

not knowing where they’re from

I wonder if sunrise

and sunset

respect each other

even though they’ve never met

if volcanoes get stressed

if storms have regrets

if compost believes in life

after death

I wonder if breath ever thinks of suicide

if the wind just wants to sit

still sometimes

and watch the world pass by

if smoke was born

knowing how to rise

if rainbows get shy back stage

not sure if their colors match right

I wonder if lightning sets an alarm clock

to know when to crack

if rivers ever stop

and think of turning back

if streams meet the wrong sea

and their whole lives run off-track

I wonder if the snow

wants to be black

if the soil thinks she’s too dark

if butterflies want to cover up their marks

if rocks are self-conscious of their weight

if mountains are insecure of their strength

I wonder if waves get discouraged

crawling up the sand

only to be pulled back again

to where they began

if land feels stepped upon

if sand feels insignificant

if trees need to question their lovers

to know where they stand

if branches waver at the crossroads

unsure of which way to grow

if the leaves understand they’re replaceable

and still dance when the wind blows

I wonder

where the moon goes

when she is in hiding

I want to find her there

and watch the ocean

spin from a distance

listen to her

stir in her sleep

effort give way to existence

Participants’ Reflections:

  • I loved the line ‘why does my humanness have to interfere with my happiness’. I started my meditation breathing in humanness and breathing out happiness. It occurred to me that they can be equal. I can be happy in my humanness. I’m getting better at that. I am a recovering perfectionist. I realize my humanness when I make mistakes now, and I can still be happy because it’s okay to not be perfect. It made me chuckle.

  • I was reminded of an image of a green bowl without a handle. There is a Japanese tradition (called Kintsugi) of mending what is broken, especially porcelain. Overlaying the break line with gold. I think we are learning to do that. It adds to the beauty and strength to have gilded, to have honored the break line.

  • I love that term kintsugi. There are beautiful images of it. When you weld or solder at a breakpoint, it’s stronger than everywhere else. Thank you for an incredible reading. In hearing the heart of what you are saying, I listen to lectures and people talk and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to spend a week with this person. With you all, I get to spend expended periods of time and I get more background and more richness with it. I feel so incredibly grateful. Energy, the Universe weaved me right into this group. Instead of just listening to a radio interview, I get to hear you. Today, I am clean and sober for 37 years from drug and alcohol addiction. For the last ten years, I felt very similar within the rooms of the 12-step community. I am committed to my recovery but I also need this group which enriches my ongoing journey.

  • The comment about gilding the underlying crack reminded me of a family member. When her spouse died, she wrote in her yearly card she feels like her life has shattered but it’s a beautiful set of colors that different parts of her life are coming back together again in a beautiful mosaic even more beautiful than it was before. I was thinking about our country. It has shattered, but if we put all these pieces together with love, it could be beautiful.

  • That reminded me of something someone said about a broken heart versus a broken open heart. Thank you for such a powerful reading. I have also felt lost most of this week. Your reading captured that whole sense of feeling lost. I am grateful. In my sense of feeling lost, I came across a poem from an older blog. It says happiness comes from listening to our own heart and from embracing ourselves. And when we are lost, it’s a good thing to remember. During the meditation, I thought about the idea of being in a wanting state versus being in a being state. When I’m lost like that, it’s better to focus on the being state. I’m stronger that way and it gives me more clarity. Thank you.

  • I found your reading and your poem very powerful. I appreciate each person’s comments. They really enrich the experience. For me, the two steps forward and one step back is where I started my meditation. I resonate with this. There are times I feel solid and clear and present, and there are times when I just lose it and fall backwards into the old way of thinking about myself and how I feel. Filled with the crud. I was saying how do I get out of it? How does one get out of it? When someone spoke of the beautiful image of crystals, the collage of things coming back together, I think it’s about love—kind, gentle love for myself and a willingness to be there for myself so that I can trust myself with myself. That’s the growth place for me.

  • Thank you so much. It’s wonderful. I am excited for you regarding this interview.

  • I’m proud of you. I think of the strength it had to have taken you to keep going, through your losses and to help others. I’m grateful for all of you here. My family member is slipping away more and more. The poem you read was beautiful. I updated my phone and my photos aren’t categorized the same way. So now when I open my phone, there’s a picture of my family member from five years ago. He was so sick then and he looks worse now. Thank you.

  • It’s important to breathe through the pain. I think that’s where strength comes from is being patient with ourselves through the pain. Feeling the pain, being with it and it’s so hard. That’s when we lean into community, lean into the bigger picture, lean into nature.

  • Wow. I just want to start with wow. I keep seeing you grow. The power you have to emote healing story. I watched the story today and just felt like I was bathed. When you said you’d read a poem, I thought it would be anticlimactic. But it just kept going up and up. During the meditation, it felt like your energy went out and pushed out in light. It goes on forever. You are touching places in us as I watch people share and then beyond, your light and what you have to bring is being recognized out there because you are just sending it out. I feel blessed to witness what you are bringing to the Earth and what’s coming through you. It’s very powerful. Thank you for sharing your doubts. It frees me up to sit in the place where I feel small yet know the reality is I am bigger than that smalless. And that’s where being in this community helps to reflect back at times to all of us that we are so much more than what we believe we are.

  • I keep hearing from Matt Kahn and other healers and mentors that the magnificence and expansiveness of love is beyond what our brains can fathom. When I touch into that, it scares me, it blows me away to the point where I am overwhelmed. I keep breathing. We all have that connection and we work towards it as we peel away and feel it. It’s an amazing experience. I had a therapist say to me ‘feel the love’ and I started crying. He repeated it and I cried more. I wanted to run out of the room, it was so overwhelming. One step at a time.

  • Congratulations to these milestones. I will print today’s reading out. I loved the poem, the reading. It resonated with me, that self-doubt is such a destroyer. My family member is struggling with self-esteem issues. I’m going to put the poem up on my fridge. How beautiful a poem and to compare it to nature. Such powerful thoughts. Does the rain get afraid of falling? I loved it.

  • What a beautiful way to offer it to anyone who wants to read it. Putting it at their feet by putting it on the refrigerator. That’s a perfect way.

  • Thank you. Thank you for listening to me. I’m grateful that I trust myself enough to dig down deep enough to express myself so that I can find my authenticity in my cloudiness. I appreciate each one of you. I am grateful for this group. I am grateful for our willingness to keep moving forward, for the tears, for our pain, for our losses, for our gains. It’s all part of this and it’s not easy. The key is to keep feeling and to breathe and to share and to trust. Sometimes the healing happens in ways we don’t want but it is for the highest and best good of the soul. Sometimes the healing happens and it is what we want and it is for the highest and best good of the soul. It’s part of this whole process. I hope you have a gentle day. Breathe through it.

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