I find myself at a crossroads of sorts having overcome so many personal struggles. I have healed various fears of safety after discovering their origin. I have redefined core beliefs after discovering many of them were based on childhood experiences. I have dismantled certain edicts and walls I created after suffering so deeply. I have forgiven myself and others of wrongdoings and misdeeds all in the name of fear. I have opened doors to my gifts of perception and compassion and accepted the loss of loved ones.
As I stand in my power, I discover I hang on to the inner judge conspiring to discredit, rant and warn me why I should remain mute, invisible, subservient and less than. This inner judge means no harm and is really on the same side of the table as I am. She’s a habit grown out of years of scouting ahead, keeping me safe. I assure her it’s all okay and still she stands there with her arms crossed, furrowed brow, ranting and warning.
It’s time for a ritual. An exercise to help me define my inner world by drawing boundaries using a visceral experience to empower and impact my internal presence with the knowledge I am safe, I am enough, I am whole and one with the universe. An exercise to affirm my presence on this earth holding dear to my heart all the facets that proudly define me as a woman, as a healer. I let go of all that is holding me back. I let go of all limiting beliefs, blocks and actions that keep me unwilling to step forward.
In the words of Matt Kahn, I use this mantra every time I witness my less-than thinking:
“I appreciate your help and all that you share. You have an important purpose but it isn’t found in correcting me. I see this sharing as a request for love and so I will love you the way others weren’t able to before. I see you. I accept you. I love you — just as you are.”
Equally important is my intention to see with new eyes, hear with new ears and accept the gifts of my energy body, my spiritual body. There is no abandoning of the old. There is welcoming all of me into wholeness.
I want to acknowledge the work you are doing. Using the work from the last few days, of connecting heart and mind, of gentleness, and of listening with new ears, you have crafted an intention for your next step. And you have identified a need for a ritual to help you take that step. Very powerful.
I realized I did want to let go of the past. I found something related to my adult children when they were babies. My children represent a huge part of me. Why am I holding onto these items? It’s time to let them go.
I found out that my mentor, who held my hand through many, many years, had a stroke yesterday. During the meditation, I saw angels surrounding her and her family. She was one of my anchors. I am sending light. Holding her in light and love.
Someone in the group had similar words to Matt Kahn’s words “I see you, I accept you, I love you.” I’m thinking of her as I say them.
I got the words from my sister who in her divorce, had to learn to separate. I am doing that now. I need to get back in touch with myself. I can’t have some people in my mind. I am a bit codependent and choose to release them. I see them. I release them to solve their own problems. It’s a healthy strong boundary.
I’m thinking of and relating to a hymn, changing the words a bit. Let the beauty of me be seen by me. I'm okay the way I am. I’m thinking of Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection. Go to the mirror, you've found your best friend. I’ve done crisis workshops. I learned that when working with a survivor, and they say they can’t stop playing the tape over and over, to scream “stop”. Stop. Our inner critic is the biggest thing. In the book The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron points out that people think they can’t do it. I thought that way. Now I get a great joy from painting watercolors and I watercolor Christmas cards every year. See your own beauty. Let us be your critic.
I call it flip flopping, having one foot in each world. It’s good to have reminders.