Gateways


Gateways

by Shirley Riga

Silent meditation has become a source of comfort for me

Space to just be

Held in time like a safe boundary

Where I explore nothingness

Yet feel the richness of presence

Tingling with the essence of connection

To my higher wisdom

I am grateful

Yet annoyance gets my attention

Because my body needs the bathroom.

My stomach is growling

And I need a shower.

Welcome to the gateway

I am human

I am spirit

I am the totality of both

Gaining access to the gates of wisdom

Is a path anyone can embark on

Because all are welcome

Often the pathway is a jungle

Obstructed by strife, pain, loss and suffering

Who can believe such a place is worth the struggle

I’m remembering years ago I was immersed in suffering

Going through divorce

Two daughters, one with a terminal liver disease

Hours of psychotherapy under my belt

And so much more needed

I was terrified of the future

Traumatized by my past

Distrusting of what I believed as

I uncovered so many lies delivered

By wounded adults around me

My ex-husband just picked up both daughters

I stood alone in my kitchen

Feeling an immense weight on my shoulders

And hopelessness dripping through my cells

I cried freely and openly

So much so I ended up on the floor

Caring not for the snot running out of my nose

Nothing mattered any more

I gave up

No one to pick me up

No one to lend a hand

I gave up.

Lulled into a place of nothingness

I wished to disappear

And without prompt of thought

I heard a subtle voice

Suggesting I might feel better if I blow my nose

I gave up I reminded myself

Laying there still I felt the thoughts of comfort

Of the couch, sleep, caring sleep

This was a lesson of surrender

Of my need to control, to a belief I deserve nothing,

to the harsh judgment I weigh myself against

to the inside prison of my rules for survival

This dawn of awareness in the dark of night

Opened the door to me.

PARTICIPANT REFLECTIONS:

  • Today is the yahrzeit of my mother’s passing, felt her standing behind me during the meditation. Grateful she passed before this pandemic and I don’t have to worry about her. Grateful for the topic of gateways because that is what today is

  • Meditation is a form of surrender. I have a strong work ethic and had to learn to surrender to do meditation.

  • There are no coincidences in god’s world. 40 years ago today I joined the 12 step program. The first step is powerlessness and surrender. Doing that gave me this incredible life I now have. I spend time with my god when I am in meditation. Thank you for this space

  • There is a lot of strength in unity. My heart is with you. Today, since I came online late and missed the topic, I prayed for all the intentions you all have shared here: your fears, your relatives in the healthcare frontlines. Perhaps the pandemic is making us closer to other side.

  • I am in gratitude today. My wife is in the frontlines, and my risk has gone up. This is the paradox of how those we love the most can kill us. Today is a big day for me, my 75th birthday. I am grateful to you all.

  • I'm a man who can cry at the drop of a hat

  • Today is my son’s 16th birthday. He had big plans, but his drivers ed was halted and he has to wait. It is not the end of world. It will happen.

  • It’s a hard lesson at that young age how things can get derailed

  • I am being exposed to the virus against my will, with my husband coming and going in and out of the house for work. He doesn’t have to do this and he is not observing protocols. My exposure is great but it is less than my anxiety. He is moving out June 1. This had me terrified. But his disregard will stop.

  • Thank you for discerning priorities. It is so hard. I encourage you to use your tools and the people around you.

  • Today, we have awareness of our gateways. We connect with ourselves and awareness of humanness

Photo credit: Original painting by Barbara Riga

#blessing #silence #gratitude #meditation #surrender #inspiration #acceptance #fear

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