by Shirley Riga
Silent meditation has become a source of comfort for me
Space to just be
Held in time like a safe boundary
Where I explore nothingness
Yet feel the richness of presence
Tingling with the essence of connection
To my higher wisdom
I am grateful
Yet annoyance gets my attention
Because my body needs the bathroom.
My stomach is growling
And I need a shower.
Welcome to the gateway
I am human
I am spirit
I am the totality of both
Gaining access to the gates of wisdom
Is a path anyone can embark on
Because all are welcome
Often the pathway is a jungle
Obstructed by strife, pain, loss and suffering
Who can believe such a place is worth the struggle
I’m remembering years ago I was immersed in suffering
Going through divorce
Two daughters, one with a terminal liver disease
Hours of psychotherapy under my belt
And so much more needed
I was terrified of the future
Traumatized by my past
Distrusting of what I believed as
I uncovered so many lies delivered
By wounded adults around me
My ex-husband just picked up both daughters
I stood alone in my kitchen
Feeling an immense weight on my shoulders
And hopelessness dripping through my cells
I cried freely and openly
So much so I ended up on the floor
Caring not for the snot running out of my nose
Nothing mattered any more
I gave up
No one to pick me up
No one to lend a hand
I gave up.
Lulled into a place of nothingness
I wished to disappear
And without prompt of thought
I heard a subtle voice
Suggesting I might feel better if I blow my nose
I gave up I reminded myself
Laying there still I felt the thoughts of comfort
Of the couch, sleep, caring sleep
This was a lesson of surrender
Of my need to control, to a belief I deserve nothing,
to the harsh judgment I weigh myself against
to the inside prison of my rules for survival
This dawn of awareness in the dark of night
Opened the door to me.
Today is the yahrzeit of my mother’s passing, felt her standing behind me during the meditation. Grateful she passed before this pandemic and I don’t have to worry about her. Grateful for the topic of gateways because that is what today is
Meditation is a form of surrender. I have a strong work ethic and had to learn to surrender to do meditation.
There are no coincidences in god’s world. 40 years ago today I joined the 12 step program. The first step is powerlessness and surrender. Doing that gave me this incredible life I now have. I spend time with my god when I am in meditation. Thank you for this space
There is a lot of strength in unity. My heart is with you. Today, since I came online late and missed the topic, I prayed for all the intentions you all have shared here: your fears, your relatives in the healthcare frontlines. Perhaps the pandemic is making us closer to other side.
I am in gratitude today. My wife is in the frontlines, and my risk has gone up. This is the paradox of how those we love the most can kill us. Today is a big day for me, my 75th birthday. I am grateful to you all.
I'm a man who can cry at the drop of a hat
Today is my son’s 16th birthday. He had big plans, but his drivers ed was halted and he has to wait. It is not the end of world. It will happen.
It’s a hard lesson at that young age how things can get derailed
I am being exposed to the virus against my will, with my husband coming and going in and out of the house for work. He doesn’t have to do this and he is not observing protocols. My exposure is great but it is less than my anxiety. He is moving out June 1. This had me terrified. But his disregard will stop.
Thank you for discerning priorities. It is so hard. I encourage you to use your tools and the people around you.
Today, we have awareness of our gateways. We connect with ourselves and awareness of humanness
Photo credit: Original painting by Barbara Riga